I just got back from watching “Lion King” in 3D. There are many things to say about this film.

1. I will never again attend a child’s film during hours that children might be awake, until my own are born and I think everything they do is not only permissible but adorable. There were some adorablenesses in the theater….sniffling and crawling into mom’s lap during Mufasa’s death (hope I didn’t just spoil the movie for you. SPOILER ALERT: Scar is an a-hole) and some righteous giggling at everything Pumbaa and Timon did, although I’m sure they didn’t get most of the jokes. But when I have the chillens, I will teach them that the back of someone’s movie seat is not a place to practice tap dancing.

2. Why is movie 3D so much more interesting that life in 3D? I wanted to reach out and touch everything I saw with a childlike wonder. Maybe if my life were in cartoon…in the African wild….and animals could really talk to me….and whether I was happy or sad there was a song to sing….that’s probably the difference. But like after seeing Avatar in 3D, I was incredibly disappointed in my real world experiences.

3. What a fantastic movie. The music is incredible. I think I can recite “Lion King” word for word. I’ve seen it a billion times, I know all the jokes, but its still a hilarious and brilliant film. I wanted to treat the movie like a singalong, but I resisted. This is one of the first films I can remember seeing in the theater. I remember my great-grandma took my sister and I, and we somehow misunderstood the times of the films. So we were like 2 hours early, and Jenna and I got McDonalds and fought in the backseat of her Oldsmobile. And my poor Gma, who doesn’t even like movies (she might even call them “moving pictures” or something because she’ss 96) probably regretted the whole thing.

Okay, now on to the inappropriate (I know the whole time you were reading this you were like, “just get to it already!”). First of all, we have probably all heard about the creep-nasty things that Disney animators stick into their films. And watching them as an adult, I definitely catch more of the jokes that were flying over my head in previous years. So you know they put stuff in there on an adult level. After all, its adults making these films. So….anyway….I’ll just…wait…okay.

I have a crush on Simba. Ah!

handsome fella

Although a contributing factor, this lust for lion isn’t due to the fact that Jonathan Taylor Thomas, one of my first loves, voices baby Simba, or that Ferris Bueller reads for grownup Simba. It is simply because I find the lion Simba physically attractive. And I recognize that that is weird. But I know I’m not the only one! And Mufasa? Totally a GLD (Good Looking Dad). The part when he’s climbing up the cliff out of the wildebeest stampede? He is totally yolked in that scene. Like I wanted to touch his biceps.

Here’s the thing…Cartoon characters are generally sexy. I don’t think about them in a creepy way once the film is done or anything, but take a gander at these guys:

hotties, no?

Like, noooot bad, right? And of course Disney is going to make everyone attractive, but what really weirded me out tonight was that I was really into Simba. I feel like someone put a lot of thought into how that lion should look to make us care about him. You could just see what he would look like as a human, and he would be a hottie. Longish, wavy hair, strong jawline, deep brown eyes, tan, tall, wide shoulders. And his little romance with Nala? Serious seduction going on in that meadow chase scene! I got little goosebumps when they were all nuzzle nuzzle and head bump. So. yeah. I’m obviously very normal.

The other thing that Disney films do to me is make me think that animals can really talk. I always look a little harder at dogs and cats, stare them down and try to get them to give it up.

“C’mon, little guy. I know you want to tell me something. Use your words!” <– This is the convo I had with my fish Ke$ha when I got home. I watched “Finding Nemo” last night so I was even more convinced that it would be possible to have a conversation with my little man. But. He didn’t even move. Maybe next time.

So what do you think? Cartoon characters…Hot or not? I think my next post I will dedicate to Animated Hottie Hall of Fame.