I graduated from the wonder that is UCSB.
Aka – the Land of 1000 Halloweens. Halloween is at least a week-long holiday there. We were known for dropping classes if they had midterms or essays due the last week of October. I definitely was hitting my sinful peak in college, and Halloween was a time to be a Sexy/Naughty/Bad/Retro/Hot insert any kind of occupation walking fantasy. It was terrible. It was beautiful. At different times, I was a nurse, French maid, cop, sailor, teacher, school girl, etc. I was young and dumb and like thirty pounds lighter than I am now. We never slept. We played. It was terrible. It was beautiful.
As I transitioned out of college and into the disappointment that is the “real world,” I realized how stupid that must have all looked from the outside. My girlfriends and I were prancing filth-ridden streets in high heels and scraps of fabric, chasing shots of motor oil vodka with bubblegum, just to take some pictures and say that we did. It was dumb. Despite taking so many political science and rights of women classes, I completely objectified myself every year for this “holiday.”
So I revolted against that all, by buying a banana suit.
Now, every year, I am a different kind of banana. Banana Suit + Sailor’s Hat = Captain Banana. Banana Suit + Light Saber = Jedi Banana. Banana Suit + Indian Headdress = Chief Banana. I’m like the Village People of fruit, all rolled inside a peel. It is incredibly un-sexy.
This week, I went to the cheap Hween store on the corner to find some outfits that might look like dandelions. (School play…long story). And while I was there, despite being pretty sure that I won’t be doing any trick-o-treating or even going out any where this year for All Hallow’s Eve, I decided to browse the women’s section.
I expected the usual parade of “Naughty Nurse,” and “Lieu. LockMeUp” outfits, but what was MOST shocking, were the completely “un-sexy” things that the “geniuses” at Leg Avenue have made into something erotic.
But apparently, the American public has grown tired of the usual nurse/cop/firefighter costumes….and we have moved on to….
And I think that there are many sad things about this.
But even more funny things.
Suffice it to say that I will NOT be partaking in any of this ridiculousness….I’m pretty sure that guys find neither bees, candy, nor Sesame Street characters sexy…but I am positive that they will all find a girl in a banana suit hilarious. And at the end of our lives together, the times I have made you laugh will weigh heavier than the flash of hotness I may or may not have been….right?!