. . . your younger siblings start getting married and/or having babies and you’re single in your 40ies??

You enjoy it. Because you are happy for them and not a petty problem who makes everything about you. 

The end!

Lol, jk. But it could be the end of this blog. Because, what – are you going to throw a fit? Be jealous? Get in a funk? Hold it against them? Cry to your mom? Those are all terrible ideas for everyone involved.

oldest and (now) third youngest in the fam. we are a fertile bunch, apparently.

Listen, Linda – I’m the oldest of seven, so I know some things.

“Oldest? Really?” 

Yes. I know I present as a not-oldest, as the predictable eldest traits only rear their ugly heads occasionally. Biologically, I am the oldest, and I’ve been through engagements and weddings and announcements and babies and showers and such of my younger siblings. Luckily, in my family, there hasn’t been anything too obnoxious or demanding. Not our style. 

However, I have felt the pinch of “oh, wait, like . . . chronologically speaking, these things should have happened to me first. Yet, here I am packing my bags to fly to my 24 year old brother’s wedding to a girl I’ve never even met.”

i’m usually off huggin a tree somewhere and miss all the family stuff . . .

But that’s families in 2025. Or at least, mine. Andrew and Ana have been together since they were 15 or something, but I’ve been living abroad that whole time, and my brother lives in Virginia, so I met the bride on her wedding day! 

Getting back to the subject, what do you do when your siblings or best friends or also in my case, former students, start experiencing all the expected milestones before you do, indeed, before you might ever do?

Well.

You ask the story of how they met and get inspired. Ask how you can help. VERY IMPORTANT – Look hot and say hello to everyone and lean into the idea that everything is a good time and an opportunity. And when people still ask you this truly dumb question – “Why are you still single?” 

Well. I know why I’m not married (yet. It’s not a never). Therapy and good self-reflection has helped me figure some things out. And if it will help you, here’s what I know:

i can do it mySELF.
  1. Child of divorce. There are a lot of us now. Based on my personal experiences, I would prefer to not divorce or remarry or step-parent. The best way to avoid divorce is to never get married! Plus, if you don’t grow up with great examples of marriage then you might realize you wouldn’t know what it looks like or how to do it so, well, why try? (Phew. The cynicism is strong with this one tonight.)
  2. I am Super independent in the first place, and very happy to be alone. There is a collective LOT going on up here (gestures to the brain). I will do 15 hours on a flight from Hong Kong to SFO with nothing but a playlist, just thinking thoughts. So even to date someone longterm, you have to be more supportive and more entertaining than I am alone. A tall order. 
  3. As a Teacher, there is really no biological drive to procreate because wow. These kids are a powerful form of birth control for the planet.
  4. Trying to go places with kids is really hard. Like, even just for a coffee or walk in the park is so involved. Just packing for one for a weekend away for my brother’s wedding was a week-long process. I can’t imagine having to pack for a likely uninvolved husband and our helpless children. (Before you come for me – how much work did your husband do the last time you went away?)
  5. Money. Money is hard to make and easy to spend and kids are expensive. There is no way I could afford one on my current volunteer stipend in Guatemala. I don’t want to be a parent that can’t financially support a kid.
  6. Environment. We don’t have a Planet B, guys, and we are quickly and obnoxiously killing the one we got, one AI search and plastic bottle at a time. Resources are dwiiiindling. People are dumb and voting away sensible things like education and SNAP and WIC and DEI. There are so many kids who need a good home out there. I can’t see the sense in bringing a new one into this world when, if I wanted, I could foster or adopt.
  7. Sleep. Yesterday I took two TWO two naps. I had nothing else to do, and I was tired, and wow. It was great. Can’t imagine I’d get that with a kid around. Plus, I need my mouthguard I’ve had since I was 15 and earplugs and I’m sure my breath in the morning is horrendous, so. No need to inflict that on someone else or let them invade my sacred space of rest.
i need time and space to do whatever this is.

8. A close call. I dated someone for a long time. We loved each other. We talked about marriage, vividly dreamed about our future lives and children and projected all kinds of things. I gave up a great job and moved across the country for him, where his true colors were quickly revealed. I realized that marriage would be a terrible idea. I had given years of my life and big decisions to this manchild and seeing it crumble really threw me for a psychological loop. I couldn’t trust myself again, my choices, love had been spoiled, excitement and lust and adventure had been ruined. And it had all been so public because I blogged about us, I was starting to write a lot for the Huffington Post, and it was the beginning of online news and a real possibility but it all just spoiled and soured and made everything feel terribly embarrassing and sad. It’s hard to come back from that. 

no one could have known, but i was at a really bitter low on this trip. so angry, so sad, felt so defeated. forcing myself to get up and go out and do things, knowing my time in asia was coming to a close. i wouldn’t go through those months again for anything in the world. but we smile and take a picture, don’t we?

Yet, despite ALL of this cognitive recognition and self-awareness and work that I have done, I do have a terrible habit that I can’t seem to quit. Sigh. I continue to meet men and imagine our futures together, only to be ghosted or heartbroken or deceived in the end. So. Yeah, it’s not great to have a vivid imagination and a seemingly endless capacity to forgive and love those who probably don’t deserve it. But we are working on it, and building better boundaries.

I won’t lie. There were years when it was a silent, painful scream into the pillow about being single and childless. I think a lot of that has to do with how connected I was to church in those years. It’s better now. There were so many nights I spent agonizing over my many dating profiles, texting inane nonsense back and forth with men who would never get off the pot and ask me on a date, or would reveal they were actually married and looking for something on the side, or we’d meet up and they’d look wildly different from the pics they’d posted, to the point it was identity theft. 

i want her, my youngest nieceling, to know that every kind of life is possible . . .

A few people have asked me “how do you feel about going to your younger brother’s wedding?” and I understand their subtext that silently adds on “when you’re not married and might never be?”

The thing is, it feels good? I’m excited? I’m thrilled? Why wouldn’t I be? I’m not a selfish spinster about to make a beautiful celebration about me and my choices that have carved my life’s path. I love capital L Love LOVE being an older sister, a daughter, an auntie, being the third, fourth, fifth, or sixth wheel to another family’s party, and also having a lot of time to myself. Nothing feels missing, I’m not mad at anyone for the few times and ways I might feel sad and alone sometimes, I light candles and make tortillas and watch old movies and take up all the space that all of me needs and it is good. The thing is, it feels good.

If this is also you, take heart. Life is more than a relationship, a wedding, an instagram post that looks really really cute with matching pajamas in front of a Christmas tree.

What is meant for you will always come your way. When it hurts, remember to add:

i am loving this one wild and precious life.
  • Adele/Carole/Joni/Megan/Doja/Carly/Sarah
  • Wine/things with bubbles
  • Puppy videos
  • Bread/tortillas/cupcakes
  • Glitter 

And hey, you can send me a message. I will happily be your fairy godmother with a playlist and a recipe and a “Dude – you are MAGIC on your own and don’t need anything more but you deserve nothing less.” 

Until then :)