blah blah blah
blah blah blah

…I figured by now you’d be over being over seeing others talk about “New Year, New YOU!” and other such nonsense, to which your response should always be – “guess what? Current me is already kicking plenty of @$#, so…enough with your diet plans I won’t follow for more than five hours.”

I generally hate this “holiday,” different from my usual “holidays are amazing!” mantra. I  think this one tends to get too built up in our minds, especially when you are a single girl. According to most films, you will find true love on this night (thanks, When Harry Met Sally, Bridget Jones Diary). Or at least make out with a hot stranger who is actually your soul mate you haven’t met yet.

i walk a lonely road...
i walk a lonely road…

For me, almost thirty, newly single, working a double on NYE (on purpose, trying to stay as busy as possible on national holidays when you “should” be on a date), I was dreading this day with the kind of loathing I normally save for gynecology appointments and talking on the phone. I got off my second shift a little early, and the boys were appalled by my plans to do nothing, encouraging me to make bad decisions go out:

Guys: “Get dressed up and go dance with strangers! Throw your phone number around the bar! Make bad choices!”

Me, wringing my hands together, grinding teeth: “Really? I don’t know. That might not be a good idea.”

Guys: “No, no, it’s great! Do it! You’re still kinda cute! Someone will kiss you!”

Me: “I’m not sure that’s what I want -”

Guys: “GO!”

So I left work, determined to go out and have fun! YOLO! Butterfly becomes the caterpillar! There’s no “I” in “TEAM!” (not sure if those apply here)

this sounded fine.
this sounded fine when i was in the bath.

But by the time I got home, I was determined to take a really long bubble bath with a really nice (read: six dollar Rex Goliath) bottle of wine, scrolling Pinterest for workout plans and crockpot recipes I’ll never follow up on.

I got in said bath, and wrinkled until about 10:30pm. Then I stood up and said “You know what? Somewhere deep inside me is a person who is still cool, who used to go out dancing Tuesday-Saturday, who was the life of the party, and she should NOT be drowning in sage-flavored bubbles in nowhere north Durham!”

I ran downstairs, threw on clothes, and went to enjoy life.

Somewhere along this path, I forgot to eat any dinner. After a few glasses of bubble bath wine, and then some beers, this bad decision caught up to me. I maaaay have text messages I regretted. Winky face. But after kissing nothing but a lovely California IPA (because CALIFORNIA!) at midnight (high-fives self), I happily poured myself into a cab around 1am.

I made best friends with the cabbie, as you do, and offered extra money to take me to a McDonalds, which we were unable to find in the remote area where I live. But we had about thirty minutes together, so Michael, my cabbie from Iran, asks “why a pretty gull like Rachelle all alone on the New Years Evening?”

I summarized my tale of woe. And he locks eyes with me in the rear-view and says, “Rachelle, you seem very special to Michael. I know you will finds handsome man to love you so much like you deserve. Treat you like princess.” I started to tear up a bit, but he continued, “here is my card, and when you need a ride, please call Michael. I give good rides.”

So, it ended a little less poetically than I was hoping. And everyone laughed when I rolled up to work in a yellow mini-van the next day, but I triumphantly announced “Responsible!” and mic-dropped my car keys before donning my apron and detailing the events of the night to my co-workers. I felt good about life.

just keep being an interesting me.
just keep being the most interesting me in the world.

I think resolutions are pretty stupid, as I said. And I think we should also only make ones we’re almost guaranteed to achieve. Here are mine:

  1. Finish a bottle of nail polish. Pretty sure it’s never been done.
  2. Overcome fear of squirrels.
  3. Make everyone around me gain 40lbs. I’d say “lose 40lbs,” but I’ve decided to be more realistic.
  4. Do things in odd numbers.
  5. Eat, drink, and be merry.
  6. Indulge in the Oxford comma.
  7. Make ’em laugh.

The one I most like to keep every year is to make resolutions a few weeks after the year has technically began. Less time you have to pretend to keep them.

Doing well on that, so far.

Here’s to 2014.