go drive places. see stuff. make friends.
go drive places. see stuff. make friends.

I’m on the road a lot – luckily, it’s all for fun. I LOVE to travel, particularly a good road trip. Which is a good thing, because in four sleeps  I get to pack up my life and move across the country for the second time in seven months. Oh joy. Thank sweet baby Jesus, my friend Seghs is flying out to come with me, and I’ve already begun working on a playlist. As this is clearly the most important thing. I’m sure my room will pack itself into my Corolla all on its own.

On my last trip to Kentucky, I started brainstorming some of my tactics for making the most out of  your time on the road, particularly if you are alone. Here are my tips:

  1. britney speaketh onto my spirith.
    britney speaketh onto my spirith.

    SNACKS. Road trips require Pringles, soda, and bin candy from gas stations. Actually, a really fun game to play is to find a weird kind of chip at each rest stop. I usually fuel my road trips with Happy Meals, and have prayed my whole life that McDonalds will ask me to be the official spokesperson of chicken nuggets.

  2. Practice your accent. This is always fun. I say “ello, guv’na!” one time and I laugh for like five minutes.
  3. See how many languages you can count to ten in.
  4. Practice faces to give other drivers. Most people give angry “what is wrong with you” faces, but I think a nice sympathetic “buddy, you need to learn how to drive, no one here likes you,” face is more effective.
  5. i can't believe googling "kitten flossing" actually works. but. it is the internet.
    i can’t believe googling “kitten flossing” actually works. but. it is the internet.

    Floss. I like to keep floss in my car. I don’t do it on the regular, but you know how sometimes you eat something or just get a weird feeling and are pretty sure you will go MAD if you don’t floss within two seconds? Floss in car. I also keep tweezers in my car because the lighting is amazing. And frightening.

  6. Raise your hand up to other cars and use the force to keep them out of your lane.
  7. Listen to yourself address other drivers and determine your top five sayings. Mine are usually “what’s your plan, there?” “Go right ahead, your royal highness.” “I need you to reevaluate your life.”
  8. Decide what names you absolutely will not name any future pets or children, based on complicated associations with people from your childhood. Example: there was a mean girl on my soccer team named Alexis when I was like six. She had stupid curly hair and was mean.
  9. like, does this guy know how incredible he is? is he humming a little theme song for himself?
    like, does this guy know how incredible he is? is he humming a little theme song for himself?

    Think about what different animals might think about. I like to wonder if bunnies enjoy hopping. If they hit a really nice hop and are like, “did anyone see that?! So much hop.” And like, I’d be stoked if I started to fly, but are birds just like, “this is my life now.”

  10. Practice comebacks for a future argument. I like to get really upset over hypothetical situations all the time.
  11. Name and spell all 50 states in alphabetical order. Name their capitals. This gets me every time.
  12. Take out those “Learn French” cds you bought after your college Europe trip and never opened and…open them.
  13. Make “friends” with other cars/trucks on the road, and feel offended when they pull off the highway. Then get excited when you see them again after a rest stop.
  14. Enjoy the brotherhood that is blocking a jerk who is trying to speed up in the right lane and cut over, and you and the cars that are your friends are like, NOT TODAY.
  15. Work on your drum solos on the steering wheel.
  16. Pick a song to sing along with, then cut the volume down for 30 seconds, but keep singing, then put it back up and see if you have any musical timing.
  17. Play an entire album all the way through without skipping a song and think about life.
  18. Practice interview questions and answers: “What would you say your greatest weakness is?” “Chocolate! Ba dam bah! hire me I’m poor.”
  19. Pick a song and see how many times you can listen to it on repeat before having a mental breakdown. I made it to six with “Dirty Diana.”
  20. "hi brian um yeah i like you tee hee here's a picture from our future."
    “hi brian um yeah i like you tee hee here’s a picture from our future.”

    Practice what you would say if you ever met a celebrity you’re obsessed with. This could come in handy one day, you never know.

  21. Save all your empty water bottles. You never know when you might get stuck in snow and need to make your own water. I’m not sure why I have always thought this was so important, but it is.
  22. Practice your limerick skills: 

there once was a girl in a car

she had to drive very very far

she had to stop twice

but the bathrooms were nice

and now she’d like to go to a bar.

Things you should not do on a road trip by yourself:

text

sleep

run out of gas in a creepy town. thats how horror movies start.