I found it kind of odd – sweet, to be sure, and lovely – to get so much feedback from my last post, a letter to my ex on his birthday, and I was wondering why people like reading about heartache enough to respond to it. But friends messaged or told me in person something along the lines of “hey, I could never write something like that on the internet, but I resonated with that. And I like reading it when you do.” And that’s nice. I guess we’ve all been there, huh?
I’m not a person with many secrets. My face certainly can’t hide what I’m thinking at any moment. And I don’t mind writing all about how terrible and lovely everything can be if it in anyway helps anybody. Or at least makes you laugh. If you can’t learn from my mistakes, at least they can be a hilarious warning.
For transparency, I’m in a pretty decent frame of mind in regards to the whole “single in your thirties” thing. Totally fine dating Netflix and my Kindle at the moment. And teaching is a really potent form of birth control – just today there were kids peeing themselves and throwing up in the hallway outside my classroom.
There are moments I feel my singleness strongly – another wedding invitation, trying to zip up a dress in the morning and not being able to reach, getting sunburned because there is no one to rub cream on my back. Reading or watching something particularly moving and wanting nothing more than a good hold. Adele’s new album and the self-imposed Billy Joel revival I’m living at the moment certainly don’t help things too much.
So in an emotional and physical moment of weakness, I signed up for online dating. I was home sick and wrecked by the news that a boy I’d been in love with from afar for ages had married and had a baby and was too beautifully happy on facebook for me to have looked as long as I did. Then I did something that usually cheers me up – googled for wedding videos to watch – and found one of a boy I’d loved from summer camp counselor jobs in college. WHAT ARE THE ODDS. Well, they’re very good when you watch about 100 videos in a row, apparently. And so everything was the WORST and my mom volunteered to pay for the sale three-month trial and I signed up.
It was exciting for the first week. It’s fun to sit in your living room with a mason jar of wine and ask yourself “what is my idea of a romantic evening? Can I see myself dating someone who already has kids? How much alone time do I need?” A bunch of messages and likes and some banter was exchanged but now I’m kind of bored with it. I set my location for the Bay Area and keep waiting for someone I know to pop up so I can have that “OH MY GOSH ITS PAUL FROM COLLEGE PARK HE GRADUATED RIGHT BEFORE ME OMG.” I don’t know what would happen next, but I think it would be funny.
But now I haven’t logged on in ages. Can’t be bothered. I’m looking to see if the site has an app for my phone, because then I would check it in the staff bathroom, which is my sanctuary during the work day. I stay very hydrated at work so I may visit my sanctuary with good cause and hit a round of Trivia Crack.
The ego boost from the dating site is nice. And just to know that there are still some decent looking, grammatically aware, hitting-most-of-my-major-bullet-points guys out there is enough for me at the moment. I’m only home for three weeks at Christmas, and it’s Christmas and then New Years. Talk about a high-pressure time of year to start dating someone. My mom keeps asking me what I want to do when I am home and honestly I just want to wear sweatpants and long-sleeve shirts with thumbholes, sit in front of the fire, hold the dog and watch movies with my sisters. With an IV drip of holiday-flavored Starbucks, and a bowl of salsa as big as your face. I want to drive a car to Target, talk on the phone, and not repeat myself or answer any questions. Do I really want to go on a date? Eh.
What is dating even like these days? How does it work when you’ve met online first? I don’t know if any part of me is ready to do that. We’re talking about someone who got bored halfway through shaving one leg. Last week. And left it at that. I can’t be bothered to dye the grey out of my hair or truly maintain hair-free armpits and I like to pretend that’s all part of my effort to smash the patriarchy.
While trying to write this blog, I spent about 20 minutes reading all I could about who Nala’s dad in the Lion King might be, because the options are basically only Mufasa or Scar, and that weirds me out. I say things without thinking and eat candy for dinner and dress like a shark but tell people I’m a bear. My wishlist for my mom for Christmas is “sports bras and a headlamp.”
That does not sound like someone at the top of her game.
Anyway. My subscription is up in January, and at this point, I don’t know where I’ll be mentally, physically, or emotionally tomorrow, let alone a few months from now.
Until then, this website is the BEST: http://babyanimalgifs.tumblr.com/ – everything feels good and nothing hurts.
And if you need to hear it and you haven’t yet today…I’d love to make you a mixtape.