Cousin flew home from Texas with a friend, and both of them were celebrating their “twenty-oneth” birthdays,as they said. I’m so deep in Studylandia that I feel like I can’t breathe, so I decided to meet up with them in downtown WC for their first experience in the pomp and circumstance of our “bar scene.”
After yesterday’s post describing how I fell instantly in love with “Ben” at a teaching training seminar, a reader suggested that girls are silly in their behavior. We need to stop sending “signals” that we’ve been trained to used (i.e. hair twirling, look-then-look-away, laugh too loud and long, etc.) and get up, go over to the guy and introduce ourselves. Enough with the coquette looks from across the room. Guys can’t read our complex minds. He doesn’t need to come to me, I can go to him, according to Mr. Reader. Whose blog, btw, is called “Ask a Jerk.” Its pretty hilarious though. Laced with profanity and anatomical references, but probably a pretty accurate picture of the male mind.
But his advice goes against all the learning I have gleaned from highly successful books like “The Rules” and “Captivating” and every film Hollywood has ever produced. The Man wants to seek me out, all I have to do is be flirty and open to it, one of them will even climb a carousel and dangle from the edge until I agree to go out with him (Notebook).
So I went through the usual highs and lows of getting ready for a girls night out – texting my sister asking what she was wearing, throwing shirts and dresses and shoes around my room like a tornado in shades blue, pink, black lace and spanx. I pumped my anthem “Electric Feel” and drank wine and talked to my fish Ke$ha, and finally pulled myself together to meet at Stadium Pub, a wannabe dive where you must be watching sports and drinking beer. We go here because there are always tons of guys, and you’re guaranteed to see someone you know. And if you don’t actually want to talk to them, you can talk about them. But everyone there was watching rugby, and I don’t know how that game is scored, so we left for Mr. Lucky’s.
Mr. Lucky’s is also always crawling with guys. Is it the name of the bar? Does it sound like hope? It was here that I decided to try Mr. AskaJerk’s theory; find a hot guy, and just start talking to him. I was going to stop being the passive, “come hither” staring girl. I would make my OWN destiny! I was ready. I looked good, I felt good, this was going to be “the day we met.”
But I didn’t even get the chance to be bold, because I became the victim of another kind of guy. The guy who can’t read your signals to GO AWAY.
I was almost immediately assaulted by Exhibit A, who practically sat in my lap, tossing his own albino blonde hair. He was tall, painfully thin, and incredibly drunk. hoo-boy. I indulged him for a while, but kept making eye contact with his friends with the “why are you letting him embarrass himself?” look. I repeatedly turned to my girlfriends to give meaningful looks and heavy sighs, pretending I hadn’t been listening to him but inserting a “what?” every other sentence. (Guys – that is a HUGE sign). Girls are too nice to say “I’m not interested, try somewhere else.” We use body language. Unfortunately, he failed to read mine.
Finally he posed a question; “so here I am, totally hitting on you, but you don’t seem interested. What’s wrong with me?”
Now, this is tricky. Because my honest answers here:
- I think I weigh more than you, and I want to buy you food; you look so hungry and thin.
- I have a no-blonde policy.
- You’re hammered and I’m not.
- I’m saving myself for Brian Wilson and you’re not him.
And also to Travis, Marshall’s friend, who was schwasted and hitting on my friend Megan. I pretended that I knew him from college for five minutes and we hugged and talked about the good times we “had” together, before I was finally laughing too hard to keep it up.
October 9, 2011 at 6:31 pm
Haha, I’m honored that you took my advice and mentioned me. If I were a nice guy I’d apologize for my language and my genital references, but I’m not… sorry, or a nice guy.
Dying to know what happened to make you have a no blondes policy.
October 9, 2011 at 9:35 pm
You’re quite welcome. I’m still waiting to see if your theory will actually work…all of cinema says no, so we will have to see.
No blondes policy can be blamed on….laws of attraction? I did have one extremely hot blonde boyfriend for a while…maybe that was overkill. I just don’t find them interesting to look at. I want to poke them.
October 18, 2012 at 3:07 pm
I feel like women condition men to be assholes, because being nice doesn’t work… at least not for me.. Its like I have a block in my brain and I’m literally incapable of being a dick. I’m always considerate of the girl’s feelings over mine.. I do my best to be the best boyfriend I can be.. yet it always ends up with my ass being tossed to the curb.. I’ve had 4 serious relationships in my life, and everytime I was dumped. The first girl cheated on me on my 16th birthday with one of my closest friends. Gave him a handjob while I was sitting next to her in the jacuzzi under the bubbles. She literally told me that I was too nice, and it started to bug the shit out of her. The second girl dumped me on prom night, as I dropped her of at the doorstep after a year long relationship.. Once in college, the third girl hooked up with one of my friends at a party I put together at my apartment after being together for 8 months. Girl #4 was the worst.. By far the worst.. We lived together for 2 years and at the end of it all, she was cheating on me the whole last month of our relationship while still sleeping with me as well.. Out of nowhere she tells me I need to move out.. (the previous day was wonderful, went up to the mountains played in the snow all day with her dog, came home that night and made beautiful love. next morning she texts me I need to be gone by the time she comes home.. ) Not able to pack many things I just took my clothes and computer and left. I came back two days later to find the entire apartment empty.. thousands of dollars of MY furniture, aquariums, etc. gone.. I haven’t heard from her since, All I know is she’s living with the new guy and they both have all my shit, I have no idea where she lives or disappeared to.. Its been almost a year since that ordeal and I’ve been single this whole time.. Despite all those previous failures, I endeavored on. Every attempt I made at sparking something with a girl I was interested in was met with catastrophic failure.. I’ve been told I’m clingy in the past.. so I do my absolute best not to be clingy now.. I’ve been conditioned to not show that I care.. because if I show my love too much.. what happens is I get cheated on, I get taken for granted, and get my ass tossed to the curb. I’ve been told I make it too obvious I’m interested.. and I guess women don’t want a guy who is blatant about his feelings. So what am I supposed to do? I feel like any concerted effort I make to pursue a women will inevitably fail because just the very act of pursuing a women is clingy… So I do nothing.. and I get nothing.. People tell me to sit and wait patiently.. She will come.. but nothing ever does. I’m content with myself, I don’t feel I NEED someone to be happy in life.. I am relatively a happy person. I just know the happiness and fulfillment that a woman can bring because I’ve felt it, and I miss it terribly. Its like there is an emptiness, a feeling of depravity inside me that can only be satiated by the warm loving touch of a woman. I just don’t know what to do anymore..I work two jobs, I make decent money, I’m 23, I ride a motorcycle, I’m physically active and love going out and experiencing new things, I would consider myself attractive enough.. I’m college educated and come from a wealthy stable family. Why is it so fucking hard for me?? Is it because I’m a nice guy?