- Fav songs – “kindness” by David Wilcox. GUYS – if you need to romance a lady, this song will make her melt into estrogen and feels. Also loving “team” and everything else by Lorde, AND “Mine Would Be You” by Blake Shelton. I live in the South now. Country songs make me cry in the drive-thru for Bojangles. Life.
- Reading – Call the Midwife, book 2. Legit. Everyone read. I can’t say enough about how great it is.
- Watching – Breaking Bad, season 1. Orange is the New Black. Walking Dead, season 1. House of Cards. Having Netflix is AMAZING.
- Drinking – a wine I bought at Target called “junebug.” I make most purchases based on their outward appearance, and this one is adorbs.
Eating – Just found an authentic Honduran place, that serves “baleadas.” I reckon I will be there at least once a week for a good fix. If you’ve never had one, find a way immediately!
- Wishing – I could watch the Giants on TV. And that someone would come visit me! I is lonely.
- Grateful For – Mom and Gma have sent me packages. My friend jess has sent me multiple items and encourages me on the daily. Boyfriend is being remarkably understanding through my weird. Got to have dinner with my dad who was working nearby on business.
- Looking forward to – going to New York next week to visit BFF and see Stevie Wonder in concert. Dreams. Come. True.
It has been an interesting three weeks. But here I am, facing the unknown with liquid courage and fancy ideas and quite a bit of feels.
Moved here three weeks ago, and as documented (and hated for on huffingtonpost,) am not living with grad student boyfriend. I love my huge room and walk-in closet and bathroom, all utilities included, for $475/month. But I’ve yet to secure more than two automatic responses to my job inquiries, much less an interview request. I’ve yet to make friends. I eat and sleep a lot and try (unsuccessfully) to not take all depression and un-ertia out on poor boyfriend, who is living out his dream and doesn’t need my uncharacteristic dark cloud raining mis-expectations on him.
There have been dark seasons in my life that existed for different reasons, but felt similar to the way I feel now. At the moment, I don’t feel depressed as much as apathetic, lethargic, and risky, which is scarier. I want to sleep and watch Netflix and eat instant mashed potatoes. Forget the outside world. Not shower. Stop answering the phone. Start watching a scary movie at 1am and stay up until 4am because after the movie is over, I need to watch something happy like Parks and Rec so I can sleep.
Then I beat myself up for it, and wake up the in morning, full of resolve and plans and motivation. I work out! I practice guitar! I mail letters! I eat only salads!
But because there are few things in “my world” right now, if the tiniest thing goes wrong, it feels like everything goes wrong. Then I run through the gamut of emotions, inevitably ending up on “Rachel – your life is FINE. Chill OUT. You will be okay. There are 5 billion people in the world whose best day is worse than this, so calm down, you selfish, entitled, oblivious space-waste.”
Right? I don’t have real problems. I have first world problems.
I guess I wrote this to dispel rumor and response that despite my normally upbeat blog, I don’t lead a semi-charmed kind of life, baby, baby. (let me know if you got that, anyone who might read this!) To say that despite all the pep talk in most of my posts, there is the dark side of the force. So that we know that it’s okay to question the hell out of any decision you make. To say that leaving your life and moving across the country is very, very real.
Fun, crazy, challenging, interesting. And to dig yourself out of it is what you must do. But it is very, very real.