sometimes i feel like this.
sometimes i feel like this.

birthdays held significance when we were young. i wanted nothing more than to be 13 – a teenager. then the next goal was 16 – driving. then 21 – drinking. and then….? as far as i knew, you just slowly began dying after that.

by the time i was about 17 or 18, i already had (articulated or not) ideas and ideals about where i would be by certain ages. my parents were young when they had me – both 18 – so i was used to and excited by the idea of being a young mom with lots of energy, and my children having young grandmas, and aunts and uncles bending over backwards. the way i had been raised.

that has come and go. I am months from thirty – an age i just didn’t think to or through. thirty was coming after i’d accomplished all the other big things that were expected of me; that i expected for myself.

but what if that doesn’t happen?

never did i think i would be scrounging for waitressing and bartending spots after two BAs and a teaching credential. never did i think i would move across the country to be with my boyfriend, only to realize we were not meant to be, leaving me in debt and struggling for God’s promises in all of this. never did i think i would still want him to be my best friend, but wondering how that works.

i miss my people.
i miss my people.

but now i am here, and too stubborn to do anything else at the moment. but. i worry about my family at home, who have been through much. when difficulties arrive, i dont provide a lot other than amusement or help divvying up the cookie dough…but it is hard to think that life goes on without you – that there will be memories they all have that you cannot share in, because you were not there.

fear of missing out is hard. every night, when i see the sunset here in durham, i am blown away to think about time zones. to know that my former coworkers are just getting out of school. that it is barely afternoon. that my family members are still at work. meanwhile i alone on my evening walk, thinking about dinner, and when i will go to bed and inch my way towards morning.

despite what i have thought i always thought i wanted, the main idea in life is probably to be good to each other and be happy. if me being happy doesn’t involve marriage, kids, or a real career at the moment, then so be it. If my version of “happy” at the moment is traveling more, bartending because I enjoy it and it makes money, and living out of a backpack…who is to say that’s wrong, just because I’m almost 30?

my stitches from guate. possibly barbed wire.
my stitches from guate. possibly barbed wire.

i get stressed out about not having health insurance. if i get crazy sick? well, last time i was seriously injured, in guatemala, they walked me in and out within an hour and i paid all of 25$ for stitches and drugs, because the country has health care for everyone. I need obamacare. or I will fundraise from you for my root canal.

i get stressed out about retirement – but will i be even be alive to know it?

i get stressed out about missing life here in the states. but we have technology to help.

i get stressed out about missing mexican food.

i get stressed out about returning “home” eventually and not knowing what to do. but at the same time…wouldn’t it have been an adventure?

couldn’t i just as easily die tomorrow?

shouldn’t i just go balls to the walls and see what happens to me?

there is only one way to know.

:).

just. go.
just. go.
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