kosher weddingusaConfession time: I recently set up an account on – more for an ego boost than an actual desire to start dating before I bounce to Brazil for two years. I’ve played around with Tinder, OkCupid, and eHarmony before (btw, if you’re reading this, Farmer Kevin from Stockton…it’s not me, it’s you), and know couples that have met online, so I thought I would give it a shot.

Online dating is kind of fun at first. You take a survey, upload some photos, sit back and wait for the magic to happen. You ask yourself some tough questions, like what are deal-breakers in terms of religion, kids/pets, previous marriages, etc. It’s nice to be like “maybe this will accidentally weed out some really great guys, but it’s super important to me that my future mate be a cigar aficionado with three previous marriages.”

super scientific and accurate chart.
super scientific and accurate chart.

And so you wait. Wait for a “wink” or a “yes” or a “connection.” Right now I have 37 messages I can’t even read because I refuse to pay for the service, but the suspense is KILLING ME and my bank account might suddenly be short 40 dollars in the near future, simply to satisfy my curiosity.

But while I decide whether or not I’m willing to pay for a bunch of “sup” messages asking if I’m on Snapchat, I’ve done a pretty thorough survey of the men in the Bay Area and have come to this conclusion:

There are reasons you are still single and on this website.

But that is okay. Because I, benevolent person that I am, lover of all things love, desire for you to meet a mate. And I will help thee write a winning profile. Here are my tips:

  1. this pictures makes me so glad for the twitter.
    this pictures makes me so glad for the twitter.

    For the love of God, figure out what an acceptable selfie is. This is a dating website, not a porn audition, and I don’t want to see your ab shot in the bathroom, flash going off in the mirror, your junk resting on the sink (I wish I was kidding. Because I can’t unsee it.). Nor am I interested in 30+ year old men who still think it’s cool to take pictures with Raiderettes or Jaeger girls in Vegas and use them as profile pics. Shots of just your motorcycles, trucks, or even your dogs are a waste of time on a dating website – show me a picture of YOU doing something you ENJOY. There should not be a red solo cup in every pic. Make sure you tag “my sister” or “my baby nephew” so I don’t get confused about women and babies in your life. Get out of the bathroom, learn how to angle your phone to avoid multiple chins, and make eye contact with the phone. There is nothing so sad as a selfie of a man who is clearly watching himself in the mirror as he takes it.

  2. Pick a decent profile name. The last guy who “winked” at me had a handlebar mustache and called himself by the Greek god of the sea with a very suggestive number tagged at the end of it. I’ve also been approached by guys named weird things like “BrownCurlyBabyBear.” ?!#!? Please just call yourself “Matt12345” before comparing yourself to a stuffed animal.
  3. "I'm looking for a girl who likes to be in shape, like me."
    “I’m looking for a girl who likes to be in shape, like me.”

    Be honest about what you’re about, and bring your best. You might think all women want guys who are well-read, like to travel, go wine tasting, and can’t wait to start a family. And you’d be somewhat right. But what attracts us are the things you are passionate about. Are you an expert in kung fu? Champion Beirut/chess/kick ball player? Can you play the piccolo? There is something SO HOT in a man who is excited about something, and it barely matters what that is. It says you can be committed to something, you can be inspired by something, and honestly, I want to be able to learn something from you. So tell me about your comic books, your cult classic DVD collection, or your obsession with finding the perfect salsa recipe. There is someone for everyone on this planet, and your passion will align with someone else’s. Don’t believe me? Go to an amusement park in America and people watch for a few hours. I am never more encouraged or entertained by humanity as I am at a Six Flags.

  4. Be honest about what you want. There are guys who put their hair preference as “blonde.” There are guys who put their body type preferences as “slender.” That’s cool. That’s what you want. So you probably don’t want me. I oscillate between red – brown – black hair. I am not slender. And I mean, if you can’t handle some handfuls, then you don’t deserve my handfuls. :) At least we don’t have to have that awkward first date and then you never call me again.
  5. your sister can help you make sure this is not your profile pic.
    your sister can help you make sure this is not your profile pic.

    SPELL CHECK. I saw a profile that listed “cooking” as an interest. Except he had the letter “c” where the second “o” should have been. And he was probably sitting at home wondering why no one ever winked back at him.

  6. Ask your female people for input. A sister, an aunt, even your mother can help you come up with better descriptors for yourself. She can approve your photo choices and help you crop out the deodorant flakes in your hairy armpits. She can remind you that you speak fluent Russian, can juggle fire, and always chew with your mouth closed, which are really important skills, and help round out your profile.

I have no other advice except just go for it! Figure out a few things to say about yourself, and wink away. We live in a world online dating is normal and by-and-large successful. So godspeed, God bless, and God help us all find the right one.

cheers to love, bae.
cheers to love, bae.