stalking on internetWhen Facebook first started, when I was like a sophomore in college or something, it was very basic. You had a profile with one picture, a few lines about yourself, where you went to school, your piles of friends, and you could write on walls. We still had AIM, which in college, you left running all day long, with status updates you could save as a default, or come up with something different every time you left your computer, and you could add colors and websites, etc.

Then Facebook began the first of many updates and overhauls, and one of them was to invent the Status Update. I remember the outcry among my friends. “Why would I tell people what I’m doing? I already have aim for that! This is taking stalking to a whole new level! rant rant rant!”

But eventually we all gave in.

Then “they” started the Newsfeed. Resume outcry. “Why do I have to look at what everyone is doing all the time? If I want to know something about somebody, I’ll look at their profile! Rant rant rant!”

But again, we all gave in.

Crafting the perfect Status Update is something of an art. I like psychoanalyzing the choices of friends and “facebook friends” and what they put as their update. There are several different classifications and layers to an update. The following examples are not meant to offend or reflect specific people in my friend list, and I freely admit to being guilty to several of them:

  • the “every minute im doing something” updater – Example: “taking a shower!” “going to class!” “watching tv!” “taking a poopie!” These people still haven’t gotten used to Facebook statuses versus AIM away messages.
  • the “im so cool look at where i am and what im doing” updater – Example: “having happy hour on top of an exclusive nightclub on a yacht in the med with p. diddy! omg! hahaha!” (insert mobile upload of exotic locale)
  • the “i live for drama” updater. Could be cryptic – “don’t ever give your heart away” or specific “my mom/boyfriend/girlfriend/ just ____________.” Perfected by teenage girls, usually punctuated with “deep” Taylor Swift or Paramore lyrics. Perhaps some “original” poetry. Filled with lots of “……” and usually updated every five minutes on the downward spiral. Comments that follow include “omg whats going on? are you okay?? txt meeee!!! xoxox” – Important Note – this is different from people who are actually in need of prayer/assistance.
  • the “my life sucks worse than yours” updater. Example: “I have a fever, I failed  my exam, got locked out of my apartment in my underwear, and its hailing.”  (interestingly, they have the time to log into facebook to share the tidbit)
  • the political rant updater – can be accompanied by a youtube, usually wants to get some “likes” by fellow believers, incite debate, might have a link to a blog. Generally, these are always negative commentary, rarely followed by any kind of action. They can also reveal things about people that totally change the way you feel about them.
  • the “im bored at work” update. Usually has a reference to the plans for the weekend, speaks of hope, counting down hours and days until Friday is also popular.
  • the “diehard sports fan” updater – Usually a Raiders fan, but sometimes fans of winning teams, who like to rally support through facebook by giving play by plays, score updates every quarter, and never letting go of the dream. These people are to be admired when they are Giants fans.

There are definitely many more out there…check  back tomorrow for a more complete list of the madness that has become our lives in a facebook frenzied world.