Ashley has chosen JP (excellent choice and I wish them both well) and we have been given “The Bachelor Pad” season teaser…which looks like a festival of broken dreams, tears, and possibly some stds. I have no desire to watch that train wreck. But ABC is taking applications for the next contestant for our favorite “I totally think I can find true love on TV” reality show, “The Bachelor,” and I gotta admit I’m tempted to apply.

A few years ago, I auditioned for the “Real World,” and it was a hilarious experience. I think this might be as well. Especially watching the last few episodes, including “Hometowns” and “Meet the Family,” I can only imagine the chaos that would look like in my own life.

So I went to to find out about the application process. They want you to send in videos and pictures. Okay. I can do that. I will sprinkle some samples.

As far as the eligibility reqs go, I think i’m okay. I’m over 21, not currently married, no criminal record, not psycho, and able to travel. I haven’t appeared on “Rock of Love” or “America’s Next Top Model,” and I’m down to participate in “life-threatening” activities, which include rollerblading and snorkeling.

So I downloaded the Girl’s Application. Here I will fill some answers out semi-seriously for you all to judge me:

Name: Rachel

Nickname: Danger (they will probably ask how I got this, and I will need to think of a great story)

Currently working: Full Time       Junior High Teacher                Annual Salary: beans

Highest Level of Education: BA in Global Studies, BA in Spanish

Legal Resident? Yes Grew Up: West Pittsburg, Pleasant Hill

No felonies, restraining orders, or bankruptcy! No marriages or children! Doing good on that page!

Alcoholic beverages: Yes – this is important, because they like to do a champagne toast at the end of every episode, and have cocktail parties every night, in hopes everyone gets tipsy and in the hot tub. So yes, I occasionally drink margaritas the size of my face. Although I can’t even claim to have finished this one on my own. (thanks, lele, for stepping up to the plate on that one.)

Are you genuinely looking to get married? um…in a while

Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show? because then we would go on awesome dates, and it would all be documented to show our grandchildren. Also, I would like to enjoy a small degree of fame in my lifetime.

hello, handsome alien chaser.

Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attraction and in terms of personality
attraction. Insert photos of Sully from “Dr Quinn,” Brian Wilson, David Duchovny, Ryan Gosling in “Notebook,” and the nerdy guy from “Independence Day.” The overall theme is…ruggedly and unconventionally handsome, generally dark hair and eyes. Personality wise…I like them a little on the fringe of what is socially acceptable. They must be smart and funny above all.  I also like speech impediments, specifically stutters.

What are your hobbies? Guitar, singing, blogging, gardening, walking.

What is the unique talent of which you are most proud? I know Latin? I’m also really good at making mix tapes.

List the 3 adjectives that best describe you: Fun, loud, risky.

What accomplishment are you most proud of? I have no idea. I am young and haven’t done anything too great yet.

Why haven’t you found the man of your dreams? Because he is hiding on your tv show.

Hmm…so…what do you think? Should I apply?