this is a weird round up…i write from a condo in maui, on a luxurious vacation after a life-altering mission trip, after my car broke down, i got sick, my computer died and wiped itself clean of all my memories, and my credit card account was hacked.

and ooooh i was mad at technology and the world. but i write. i missed writing.

ive decided not to replace my laptop immediately. i just paid about four months rent to save my car, and am stressed on money, with tuition to pay soon. my laptop has been sent away, and “they” are going to try to recover my pictures, but don’t have much hope. i think i will rediscover a lot of time in my days without a computer to distract me. specifically, facebook. when i enter school in a few weeks, the administration will equip me with an ipad with my textbooks preloaded, but i understand they are not quite the same as a real laptop. so i dont know how “bloggy” i will feel.

tonight i feel particularly bloggy…could be the wine. and the feelings. and the fears.

its a special night. today marks the two year anniversary of cpl matthew swanson’s passing. he was 20 years old. he was my best friends baby brother, fighting in afghanistan, disarming land mines because he loved his country and he loved freedom and things that are beautiful and true. his tank turned and he was thrown. he never woke up from that moment to be the matt that Traci and her family knew him to be. his passing has forever changed Traci and i think all our lives, living in the harsh reality of war times and the fragility of life and family.

i feel bloggy because i am coming back from a mission trip that always hits my heart, but this year in particular hit my head. i cant shake my thoughts from mexico and my friends there. i need to write that all out so  i can begin to think it through.

i love that people think i am mexican, and that i can blend in there. i take it as a higher sign that mexico is truly my home. i honestly have no hispanic background, but a crazy affinity for hispanic people and culture and language. each year, this mission trip changes my life. this year felt more like God was saying “why are you leaving? your life’s purpose is here.” i feel so at home, so loved, more myself than anything ive known, when i am in mexico.

i am on summer vacation from teaching, and am somewhat anxious to get back to a routine. i need a purpose to live out each day. structure to help me through. i thrive on productivity and feeling useful.

isn’t that funny? when we were kids, I couldn’t wait for summer, but honestly I was one of the ones that at the end, i was tired of swim team and was so into learning that i wanted to go back to school. here I am, a Latin teacher, one of the nerdiest things you can teach. ive had approximately seven weeks off from my junior highers…i dont miss them at all, but i miss the feeling of my brain stretching against my skull, of writing on the white board, of meetings and emails and the feeling of accomplishment.

okay i admit that i do at times miss their cute moments and wonder what they are doing this summer and how much taller they might be when they return to me.

i miss their hugs.    !!!!

anyway there is no point to this post besides a memory for myself. a mark on my timeline of a monday when i didnt know what to say but wanted to say it anyway.

aloha aloha aloha.