spiders are freaking not okay.

Is it spiders? The Dark? Monsters under the bed? Things that go bumps in the night?

I have lots of friends that are scared of being sick. Do you ever have a weird cramp, or an eye twitch that won’t quit, or a strange body odor ? And then you use webMD or similar and diagnose yourself with a rare and incurable disease? I got peeps who do that. and its hilarious. They are constantly battling celiac’s, impending blindness, or cancer of the toenail. Total hypochondriacs.

I don’t have that fear as much. But I do fight some other demons….before I reveal them to you, lets laugh at other people’s fears and think of scenarios when these would be really inconvenient.

Pediophobia is a fear of dolls or children.

Pediophobia– Fear of dolls. Word looks closely related to pedophile….not surprising. This would be most inconvenient if you worked in a toy factory. Or had a sister with a huge Barbie collection. I think it is closely related to fear of clowns, which is pretty common thing. Creepers.

This is exacerbated by films like “Chucky” and the creepy baby doll in “Toy Story 3.” Something about the blinking eyes is quite unnerving…and you’re pretty sure they’re all coming to life when you leave the room.

Consecotaleophobia– Fear of chopsticks. I pity the Asian that battles this. Thank God for forks. This might be a great diet tool, though.

Euphobia– Fear of hearing good news. Not to be confused with “europhobia,” which is a fear of Europeans. And totally understandable if you’ve been to France or ever dealt with aggressive Italian men. This very real fear of hearing good news….this is just sad. Does it mean you rejoice in hearing bad news? Or are you chronically unhappy? I don’t know if we could be friends.

Helminthophobia– Fear of being infested with worms. This would be a terrible fear if you were a garden. Or Herod. If you want to barf, google for images of this.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia– Fear of long words. This is a serious case of irony. It’s like the word “abbreviation.” There is nothing small about it.

i just want to play with you!

Lutraphobia– Fear of otters. Now this is silly. Otters are adorables! Though they do have beady little eyes….a little scheme-y really. I think they are the puppies of the ocean. but I could be wrong.

Papaphobia– Fear of the Pope. Hm. this must be hard on devout Catholics.

So I have friends who are afraid of stickers, or slugs, or dirty coffee machines, or the crack in muni rides. Or of farting in class.

What am I afraid of?

Um. I’m sleepy. I’ll tell you tomorrow.

For now, I leave you with something totally UNscary, so that we don’t have bad dreams:

and, for good measure, a duck butt: