yeah, yeah, we get it, Barbie.

Emily is cute as a button, and I get why ABC bent over backwards to move the show to her hometown and try to capitalize on her adorable factor. (Personally, I think she looks like a baby bird muppet soaked in fake tan, but she’s cute enough.) However, this show is turning into such a snooze I can barely make myself care enough to blog about it.

And I don’t get it…this is a show with “25 of America‘s most eligible bachelors.” Eye candy for single ladies like myself. But within minutes of meeting them, it became crystal clear why some weren’t yet attached…Grandma Suit Guy, Egg Guy, Guy who Danced, Yelling Guy…and the dweeb in the helicopter. Those boys still have quite a bit of work to do before they are ready for public consumption. There were the standard hotties…and your sob stories (I LOVE brain damage guy, and the single dads are pretty cute), but I didn’t find anyone too compelling.

There are some key elements missing from this show that is making it fall down my list of priorities:

I kinda miss this….

1. Where is the drama? I need a villain! Kalon or Talon or Kayla or whatever his name is certainly has the trappings of villainy…any guy who says to a girl “I love when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish” should be taken outside and shot in the stomach. He flashes his money, he doesn’t get along with others, he’s a self-proclaimed luxury gentleman or something ridiculous like that…but I don’t love to hate him the way I did with Courtney. Mostly I want to kick him.

let’s see these guys facing fears and crying about it on TV!

2. Where is the hot tub? I don’t watch this show for it’s morals or good examples – show me people making bad decisions! I want women wearing expensive jewelry in tiny bikinis sipping champagne in a hot tub and making out with a hot guy they just met! (insert all my Christian friends cringing, and secretly agreeing) I want a splash fight leading to a make out session. I want people spying from the living room.

3. Where are the Crazy Dates? – Yeah, I get that if Mr. Right is in fact on the show and proposes to Emily, there are carpools and cookies and Muppet Shows in his future…but I watch this show so I can see guys pee their pants while facing their shark fear in a diving cage on a first date. I want to see people shaking with fear, eating bugs, cursing each other in impossible challenges to win a date with Emily. Dollywood? Really? It was funny to see Emily throw a mini hissy fit over a roller coaster…but we need to put our big girl pants on and do some crazy dates.

egg guy…..sigh.

4. Where is Chris Harrison? He’s just so freaking cute. More of him would help keep my attention.

5. Bingo Ability – If you’ve read my Bach posts before, I LOVE playing bingo and various drinking games while watching this trash TV. I always have a gaggle of girls at my house on Monday nights, we make our boards and play for pride points. But this season in particular, I am unable to come up with 25 terms to use on our game board. I think it’s because guys don’t talk! There is no predictability to their speech on the show…they just take off their shirts and then ruin it by drinking white wine.

6. Relatability – One of my personal bachelors “watched” an episode with me and my girlfriends (playing games on his phone the whole time and snickering at us), and we got into quite the conversation about why intelligent women enjoy this show so much. A few days later, I think I’m able to say with more confidence that I like when it’s 25 girls competing for one guy more, because i  can see 25 different versions of myself in them. Getting ready, judging other girls, being excited about “him,” wondering about our date, saying something stupid, hoping he’ll kiss me, making bad decisions, wishing I hadn’t worn my hair that way, thinking I was being funny when I wasn’t… it’s kinda fun to watch that with your girlfriends and share your own dating horror stories, and thank God you were never filmed while starting a relationship.

With Emily’s season…I can’t relate to the guys, who mostly grunt and ogle Emily…and I can’t even relate to Emily. She’s got a 6 year old, wants to get married and make more babies, is super polite and I think takes four hours to get ready. The guys I hang out with are lucky if I have my face washed and teeth brushed on the weekends. Makeup, hair, accent, Muppets, AND a ball gown? That’s just not happening with this girl.

ello, ello!

My front runners are Arie, Sean, and Ryan (I think that’s hottie’s name). But honestly, I was so bored last episode that my girlfriends and I started talking during a commercial and didn’t notice the show was back on for like five minutes…so we’ll see if I can stay interested.

Your thoughts?