Sunglasses Always Fit

Usually associated with your favorite fictional characters in various stages of dating, or pictures of cats. Here is how to squee: 

Ms. Austen published this novel in 1813, and I think it speaks to the brilliance of her writing that we can read it today, and despite the differences in our worlds, I can see (or want to see) so much of myself in Elizabeth. She’s smart, sassy, and loves her sisters. She’s practical but romantic, funny, loyal, and a good friend (her defense of Charlotte Lucas provokes many feels). We want to be like her. And we all want to be loved by a brooding, mysterious, tall dark and handsome man (who is conveniently rich). It’s helpful that underneath the mystery, he’s a nice guy and Lizzy’s intellectual match, when in real life, “mystery” usually is hiding “lack of personality” or “total jerkface” (i.e. Mr. Wickham, or most of my high school boyfriends).

I could do without Jena Malone as Lizzy (there were no suitable British actresses that would have done? really?!) or the creepy humming maid in the Bennett household, but it is a truth universally acknowledged that this film is the bees knees.

1. Hi, England, you’re gorgeous. The cinematography is beautiful. “What are men compared to rocks and mountains,” indeed. It makes me want to go to there (and so I did!).

2. Keira Knightley is a great choice for Elizabeth. She’s pretty, but you’re not sure why…her face is interesting to look at, her teeth aren’t perfect, her hair unkempt, and she is completely flat-chested. It’s her personality that carries her character, and that suits Lizzy well.

3. The piano music throughout.

4. The way that Mr. Bennett teases but loves his daughters (hugging Mary after he embarrasses her on the piano, knowing glances at Lizzy when Mr. Collins is being ridiculous at dinner) and in a weird way, loves his wife, who is a nut job. Although the scene towards the end showing them in bed together, and the beginnings of his leaning over her to do God-knows-what makes me REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

5. Speaking the Bennetts, I love this version of Mrs. Bennett much more than the BBC classic. First, because Brenda Blethyn is a saint and should be knighted. Secondly, she is embarrassing in her pursuit of marriages for her daughters, but becomes more sympathetic when she reminds us that there are five of them, of marriageable age, in a neighborhood with very little prospects. She’s desperately worried about them, and wants them to be happy, as well.

6. I enjoy both breakfast scenes with the family that show them clearly hungover from the balls the night before – scrambling for the biscuits when they hit the table, hair askew, begging Mary to stop practicing piano. Makes me laugh.

7. Everything Charles Bingley. He’s a ginger, he’s friendly, he giggles. He shyly reaches for the ribbons on Jane’s dress when she turns from him. He looks amazing with a 5 o’clock shadow.

8. The way Mr. Darcy leaps out of his seat when Lizzy enters the breakfast room at Netherfield, and again when she receives Jane’s letter at the Lampton Inn.

9. All the hand porn. I like that this is a “happily ever after” novel/film, and one of the most romantic stories ever told, but there’s literally no physical action. We don’t hear about the wedding, the wedding night, nothing. We just know that they’re happy. Jane Austen, as we know, never married herself, so maybe she just skipped the parts of life she wasn’t familiar with.

10. Mr. Collins is perfect. “What excellent boiled potatoes…” gets me every time. He’s creepy, short, calculating…so well done.

11. JUDI DENCH. The entire theater literally gasped when she showed up unexpected onscreen. Sheer perfection.

12. When Charlotte wears that weird bird feather in her hair…I get the giggles.

13. The fact that Emma Thompsen, who is a goddess among we mere mortals, helped rewrite portions of the script without any financial gain or public credit makes me so very happy.

14. Lizzy and Jane giggling under the covers late at night about boys.

15. Miss Bingley does an excellent job of making us hate her. We’ve all known that girl – desperately trying to get the attention of Mr. Darcy at the expense of everyone around her, not realizing how silly and unattractive she makes herself look. I love the line “she looked positively medieval.”

16. The intense sexual tension of the fight between Mr. Darcy and Miss Bennett in the gazebo during a rainstorm, when he admits he loves her against his better judgment. They’re yelling at each other, but compelled to invade personal space in order to do so, and they’re so close to making out, and you’re at home shouting “kiss her!” at your tv.

18. “I love, I love, I love you. And never wish to be parted from you from this day on.” “Well, then. Your hands are cold.”

AND WE WERE NEVER THE SAME AGAIN.