Sunglasses Always Fit

disclaimer: I often pretend to not know what words mean, like “portion control” or “inside voice” so these might not sound important but they are important.

• Jan 8 – Scientific question: Has anyone, ever, in the history of time, finished an entire bottle of nail polish? I just don’t think it can be done.

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  Jan 16 – The funny thing about people closing their eyes in church is that we all give them the benefit of the doubt that they might be praying and not asleep.

• Jan 21 – There’s a 50% chance of snow in Durham tomorrow, but a 100% chance everyone is acting like a moron about it.
• Feb 6 – I HAVE THE BEST IDEA. Instead of saying “let’s peace out” we should say “prance.”
  “Dude, I’m so ready to prance out of here.” “prance in the middle east, bro.”
• Feb 16 – when i got in bed to go to sleep my phone battery was at 100% and by the time I put it down to sleep it was at 49% so yeah, you could say I’m pretty good at Facebook.
• Feb 19 – I invented a fun game: You and a friend buy a pack of 100 bobby pins and see who loses them all first.
• March 5 – You know when you are in a public restroom and the automatic toilet goes off and you’re like “I LITERALLY JUST GOT HERE” and then the lady next to you laughs and you start a friendship.  Life. Is so beautiful.
• March 12 – here’s a life hack: if you vacuum up a spider, do not google “can spiders crawl out of vacuums?”
  certainly do not watch any videos about it.
  i’m sleeping in the spare room now.
• March 13 – Just saw a cat bathing itself under a sign that said “beware the dog.” Straight up smashing that pawtriachy.

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  March 15 – Feeling slightly nauseous as we drive out of the state of North Carolina; could be the breakfast of Cheetos and redbull, the fact I was too excited to sleep and so have been up since 5am, or the surreality of absolutely leaving a place. Bye, Carolina. It’s been real.

• March 21 – The thing about driving through Texas is that afterwards, when you see a sign saying there are 200 something miles until your next destination, you’re kinda like, “dude. I won’t even need to stop and pee.”
• March 30 – ….I’m not the only adult out there who speaks in full sentences to my dog, asking for her opinion on things, as if she will answer me back in words. right?
• March 31 – Put on Pop 2000s on Pandora today and…sometimes I wonder about all the amazing things my brain could accomplish if it weren’t apparently so interested in keeping all pop songs I’ve ever heard memorized against my will.
• May 17 – “I better charge my iPod so I can go on a run!” (Takes accidental nap for two hours.)
• May 23 – I wonder if my dog insists on following me into the bathroom because I always cheer for her when she goes. Maybe she thinks we all need moral support during those times. Maybe in her mind she’s saying “good girl, Rachel! That’s exactly where you’re supposed to go! I’m so proud!” and wishes she could offer me a treat afterwards to reinforce my good behavior.
• June 18 – If you really want to test the bonds of friendship, try setting up a tent hungover, discovering you brought two tables but one chair, and a round tablecloth for a rectangle table. But we do have the essentials (beer and firewood). MURICA.
• Aug 10 – Every time I have to kill another bug, I feel like saying, “hey, little guy. Hey, what’s your purpose? What’s your motivation? How can I get you out of my house? I feel like we could coexist peacefully with just a few ground rules like don’t let me see you and don’t touch my food or visit me in the shower when I’m blind and vulnerable.”
• Aug 14 – Day 4 of teaching in Rio…What kind of moron moves to a tropical rainforest type of place and brings neither umbrella nor galoshes? Am I right? Except it’s me. I’m the moron. Also, lunch was so good today I went twice. Second lunch. I’m like the hobbit of this school.
• Aug 16 – I love teaching at a school in a country with a culture that allows me to hug and kiss ouchies, to dispense bags of ice at will, liberally apply bandaids and stickers, and hug and kiss again.
• Aug 21 – Portuguese class, day two. One person cried and one found out she’s been swearing at her kids.
  I’m trying to find a bar. And making a snack schedule for the rest of the course.
• Sept 18 – Favorite moment of the day (said with some sarcasm):
  “I need you to pull your pants up and not show me that. Pull up your pants. Pull UP YOUR PANTS. PULL UP – go wash your hands now.”
  And then he went into the girls room, came out, pretended to sneeze on me while flinging his wet hands at my face. The kid doesn’t know his alphabet but what a sense of humor.

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  Sept 22 – best friends support your desire to text your dog.

• Sept 24 – being able to hold my pee for hours at a time is one of my teacher super powers.
• Oct 1 – There’s probably a physical limit to how many pumpkin spice lattes one can consume in a week and I’m excited to find it.
• Oct 7 – Sooooo got to help a parent change a child’s diaper in the seat next to me on the plane. Like seconds before take off. That’s a first.
• Oct 11 – Currently watching the first NLCS game in my apartment in Brazil, drinking Italian wine, eating super American onion dip with Ruffles, and the only streaming link I could find is in Spanish. “Vamos Posey!”
  Life is wild. GO GIANTS.
• Oct 23 – I just saw a baby cockroach. It was cute. I’m feeling really conflicted about it.
• Oct 30 – You know how you feel a tickle on your skin, and you ignore it or brush it without looking because it’s just a hair? When you live in Rio, it’s never “just a hair.” Its some kind of bug you’ve never seen before and it’s sucking your blood. I think I say “what was THAT” ten times a day.
• Nov 12 – I wonder how many times I will let my water bottle spill all over me each time I drink from it, and how many times I will say “I really need to get a new water bottle,” and how many times I will pout at the water all over me front, before I finally get a new water bottle.  I’m thinking like eight hundred thousand times.
• Dec 7 – Heads up – calories from ice cream don’t count if you eat standing up while emotional about being single. Science.

Here’s to another year of really deep thoughts, bugs, puppies, and food.