Sunglasses Always Fit

Something really important happened to me last week. I found a Brazilian snack that isn’t at all like Cheetos but it is fulfilling a deep need within me to crunch something poofy and leave a slightly chalky taste in my mouth. I am so happy.

I immediately texted about ten people about it, and then walked through the school office making sure everyone knew about it. I could easily mindlessly destroy a whole bag. It’s awesome. Another point in the “live in Brazil forever” column. This column also includes the beach, capybaras, and wearing tank tops and flip flops year round.

The snack is called “Globos” and they sell them on the beach and when you’re stopped at a traffic light. They give me life.

Food is really good here in Brazil. I could write a sonnet about açai. And avocado smoothies. And farofa, and tapioca, and carne seca, and aipim, and the stroganoff which is completely different. Really y’all just need to get down here and visit so I can make you eat it all because me trying to describe food is pointless. I eat it so quick I can’t even get pictures of it.

I would never be a successful food blogger. I can’t even make it back from the grocery store with the one thing I go there to get. Last week I went to get a cucumber and I came back with gum, wine, and a pillow for my bum to sit on on chair at work.

I could start a blog about the lists of things I need from stores when I enter them, and then pictures of what I actually leave with. I’m the kind of person who goes to the store to get ice for the party and comes back with a croquet set, or a pet fish, or crackers you can spell with.

“Rachel, you had one job.”

“No, but guys, a fish could really tie this room together.”

“Rachel – the drinks are all warm!”

“I named him Frank the Tank, what do you guys think? We can vote on a middle name.” *

You know what else is funny? How many nicknames/terms of endearment we use that are food-based. My ELD kids must be so confused. I am constantly calling them things like “chickens” and “pumpkin” and “cupcake” and “nugget” and “peanut.”

I’m always demanding “give me some sugar!!”

“Miss Weight is going to eat us one day,” they’re likely whispering behind my back. I should explain to them I call them things that I love. “Chicken nuggets are my favorite, so I call you chicken nuggets because…..you’re right. I want to nibble on your chubby little cheeks.” Wow there is no un-creepy way to do this. Maybe I’m just creepy? I did stand outside the dog grooming window for about twenty minutes today, smiling at a Yorkie. Probably making it and the groomer uncomfortable. Hm. Maybe its time for a soul search.

In my last bit of food related nonsense, I dedicated Saturday night to science by cooking up a batch of black market Mac N Cheese and trying to decide which condiment was best applied to the carby-cheesy-feel-goodness of it all. I only had sriricha sauce, Frank’s hot sauce, and brown mustard on hand. Remembering the science days of my youth, I kept aside a bowl of plain MacNCheese as the control group, and then the tasting began.

Facebook hosted a hot debate over which would be the best, and there were suggestions I hadn’t even thought of, and shout-outs to overlooked favorites, like cut up hotdogs, which is so 90s.

I should also state, for full transparency, that all four bowls were for me. My roommate spent the weekend away and came home to ask “who did you have over last night? I saw your Mac and Cheese pics on Facebook!” and I had to explain. It was all kind of in reaction to my friend and I deciding to go sugar and carb free for a few weeks. Beginning Monday. Which meant I had Saturday and Sunday to binge on everything yummy still left in the house. So I panicked and ate an entire batch of brownies and all the boxes of Mac. Tee hee.

Anyway, the winner was FRANKS. It added a kick without being too crazy. AND Franks hot sauce has cayenne pepper in it, which boosts your metabolism, so this is practically weight loss food. Science.**

Rooster sauce overwhelmed, control was boring, and mustard was complementary but not quite there, you know? But now, inspired by the reaction on Facebook, I feel like I must host a formal tasting with all suggested condiments. You are all invited to join. I smell a theme party coming!!!

I shall keep you posted. Mac and Cheese is important. Science is important. Life is good.

*may or may not be based on actual events

**not even a little bit like science, to be honest