People in marketing and advertising and product placement are geniuses. EVIL geniuses. You know how at places like Bed, Bath, and Beyond there are those bins right by the checkout with all that cool, funky, As Seen on TV type products, mysteriously without obvious prices, in bright, shiny colors, promising you all kinds of good things like that they’ll lift your neck or your sagging ear lobes or make you lose ten pounds or make you warm while hands free, so you could do all the normal things you couldn’t normally do with a blanket, etc etc? ame reason there is always gum and candy and soda and things kids like in the side aisles for the grocery store and Target check outs. Because while you are waiting for things that you want immediately, you will see these things, and for some reason, they look good. And you fall for it. And you pay for it. And you feel dumb afterward.

This was me two nights ago, at Macy’s, waiting to get my eyebrows waxed (a feeling I LOVE…ah the plucking of reluctant hairs! The cooling of the gel! The smells of makeup!) and I had about thirty minutes to kill. I wandered over to shoes. Shoes are not something I necessarily “need.” I always want them. But I have weird flat feet (like, at a pool, my wet footprints never have cute, sexy arches, they are just blobs of water) and I shouldn’t really wear anything but old lady grandma orthopedics. Nevertheless, I wandered over, and found some brown boots I decided needed to be adopted. (They were on sale! how can one resist thirty dollars off?!) While waiting in line, I saw the display meant to appeal to all those with lofty New Year’s Eve resolutions to get fit and eat five pounds of cabbage a day…all the athletic shoes, specifically the “Shape-Ups.” On sale. Mega mega sale. Sales that preyed on the minds of the weak.

(me)

i had seen the commercials….the people look so happy and they all wear short shorts and meet other happy, tan, skinny people…..I had heard that Kimmy Kash attributes her curvy behind to the miracle shoes….and so, as Will was ringing up my boots, I made a mad grab.

Sigh. When will I learn.

I decided to break them in by wearing them to school. They make you like five inches taller, and mine are bright white, so they stand out. So I tried to distract potential teasers by wearing a neon yellow sweater. This seemed to help (I got lots of “Miss Weight, do you glow in the dark with that yellow?!”) but everyone’s eye eventually wandered down to my feet…and then back up to my face, with a look that seemed to say, “I always knew you were special.”

Like…I was super dorked out in these shoes. Several kids asked if I was wearing wheelies.

First off, I had a really hard time not bouncing around in them. Secondly, I was wearing pants that are the appropriate length on me in the short heels I normally wear, but in these bad boys…you could see my socks when I walked. I was fluh-uh-uhhhhding in these shoes. And the bright white of them attracted all eyes downwards. They glowed.

I looked ridiculous.

But I wore them all day, and I have to say, they were ridiculously comfortable. I realized I have terrible posture. Turns out you probably shouldn’t stand with all your weight on one heel, hips jutted out, all day long. Turns out that’s not very good for your spine and things. I went for a 2.5 mile walk in them and it was weird-feeling….but I keep promising myself with every step that in a few miles I would look likeΒ  Kim Kardashian does. Well, I don’t really want to look like her. Maybe just her butt. And hair. And I wouldn’t mind the rockstar lifestyle with unlimited funds. Just saying.

Anyway, I’m still debating the pros and cons of these nerd o meter shoes…I shall keep you posted. Until then, I’m lounging in my pajamas with the Wii fit, trying to ignore the snobby “oh!” it makes every time I step on the board, the subtext of which I read as “my…you’re chubby today!” Meanie Wiinie!