Say you’re a guy, and you meet a girl, and you talk/flirt/exchange numbers/hang out and then for whatever reason, it fizzles out for you. So you just casually never call her again.

Want to know how she’s doing?

Probably not, because maybe you’d feel guilty. But you should know. Its important that you be able to recognize the defensive mechanisms that we females employ in reaction to any kind of stressful situation, disappointment, or one of life’s many tragedies. Check out my previous entry for Part 1 of how girls work… for more information. And if you’re a girl, laugh along with me.

So far we’ve covered:

  • Lets have a Night out to Regret Something
  • Mistake Making!
  • Self-Help Cycle
  • Self-Improvement Cycle

Some of my other favorites include:

  • The Revenge Makeover Cycle: This stage involves signing up for that spinning/yogalates/boot camp you’ve been meaning to get to, a retail therapy trip to Sephora, and clothes that show your cleav. No matter how much moms and girlfriends tell us we’re beautiful and its the inside that counts, a part of us always thinks that the reason he walked away is because we aren’t attractive enough. We then decide to revamp our diets and workout habits (which generally fall to the wayside in the midst of new relationships), get cranking on the ellyptical and hours in the sun so that the next time we run into Enemy #1, we look so smokin’ hot he’s at a loss for why he walked away. Good songs for this phase include: “I will Survive,” “Where does the good go” – Tegan and Sara, “These Boots are Made for Walking”
  • The “I Kinda Give Up” Stage: A temporary phase, as even our closest friends and families grow tired of the smell and inertia. This is when you live in sweatpants and your couch becomes permanently dented with an outline of you lounging on your side, flipping through talk shows and reality tv, crumbs of cookies lodged in the cushions. You make outlandish claims like “If I’d gone to a Christian college, i’d be married by now!” and envision your future as a old lady in a tiny apartment with lots of cats and a collection of seashells. See Bridget Jones’ Diary for a good example; your best friends are Ben & Jerry, Jose Cuervo, and “All by Myself” on repeat.
  • The “Remind me I’m Totally Worth it” Stage: In this part of the cycle, you look up old boyfriends/best guy friends for some reaffirmation of your great personality and hot looks. I fall into this trap with a few guys I know would marry me in a pinch. This is the My Best Friend’s Wedding-esque promises of marriage if you’re both still 35 and single stage. You call him, get drunk on wine, cuddle on the couch, and talk about all the relationships you’ve seen each other through. He reminds you that you are beautiful and wanted and he’s had a crush on you for years. He tells you how stupid that guy was for walking away, and promises better things are yet to come. This is very When Harry Met Sally of you both.

Traps from this stage include actually considering getting together with your best guy friend (this should be avoided at all costs, because it can be ruining) and getting a little stalker-y on facebook about Enemy #1. I.E. looking at pictures of the new girlfriend and demanding all your bffs tell you that you are hotter and saying things like “Her name is Alexis? I’ve never liked that name. He doesn’t like that name! She’s crazy! He’s crazy! Wahhh I miss him.”

There are still more stages. I’ll have to write another post. Because girls are complicated. No…no girls are complex. That’s nicer. We are beautiful and tragic and funny and take ourselves too seriously sometimes.

At this point, I don’t even mind that that guy never called me again, because its given me such great writing material, thinking back to past heartbreaks and talking with other girls about the crazy things we do to ourselves. Right now I’m in the “Revenge Makeover” part of my journey…so, that optimism could just be the endorphins. But still, watch out world.

Until next time…watch Disney movies until the world feels right again.