Sunglasses Always Fit

Ohhhhh it is BACK! My favorite guilty pleasure. This season looks like the biggest cast of nutjob women ever, and last night’s episode was just a brief glimpse into the depths of humanity we will travel with our Beloved Ben. Congrats, ABC! I do love Ben. He’s got a great personality, he appears to have worked through a lot of issues, he makes WINE, and has funny voices and lots of adorable awkward. But….hummingbirds…What is THAT about?! But Chris Harrison – I missed you, good sir!!! You are cute. Thank you for bringing a level of sanity to this train wreck of a show that I hate myself for loving.

Here begins my weekly recap of “The Bachelor” episodes. I will also be tweeting my feelings at @racheldangerw.

Ben looks fantastic. Great opening sequence with the boat, the tan, the awesome orange shirt. He is a “better, more complete person because of the process.” He says that he knows what he is looking for and is ready to start again. I love the pensive looks off into the distance with the dramatic soundtrack…and he plays piano – are you kidding? Hot.

Meeting the girls….these girls scare me. SCARE me. You’ve got the typical mix of the super dramatic, super silly, super cheezy. No real stand outs in the opening sequence except the red flag of Jamie, who immediately mentioned babies…Courtney – the “model” who says “girls are intimated by me…I know what I want…2 carat ring because I deserve it….blah blah blah I’m obnoxious.”

I don’t like it when people leave their children to go on the show. “My son really needs someone stable and serious to be a good role model in his life, so I’m going to make him a temporary orphan and go on reality tv for six months and leave him in the care of others while I get momentarily famous….in search of true love….maybe.”

I love seeing all the different ways that girls from my generation spell names like “Lindsey/Lindsay/Lindzi/Lindsie” or “Kelsie/Kelsey/Chelsea/Kacie/Casey” or “Jamie/Jaime/Jaymee.” The 80s were a terrible decade for girls’ names.

Impressions in order of limo appearances….

• Rachel Rose was great – beautiful dress and great hair. But she seemed pretty awkward. I appreciated how she tried to mediate between the les and the drama blogger.
• Erika – law student from Chicago – First dress – you should leave more to the imagination…a little too “dancing with the stars with the sequins and cut outs.”
• Amber Baconator – um. Weird. I would not point out my name was about Bacon.
• Jenna –  A lot of drama. There’s always gotta be one! Some people shouldn’t be on television. Especially if they are going to talk.
• Courtney – Dropped the model bomb within thirty seconds….blah. The rest of the night, all I heard her say was “I’m a model….and remember how I’m a model, like I said I’m a model. And as a model I do a lot of modeling.” Of course, Ben is like “oh they are so pretty!” He doesn’t even hear what they are saying.
• Holly with a Hat? That sure made the first hug awkward… “I’ll go this way, no you go that way, wait, no!” And the high laugh opened a garage door somewhere. Too much boob for first impression out of a limo.
• Blakely– VIP cocktail waitress? Pretty sure that’s code for…..escort?

  

• Grandma with the crutches….um. kinda cute but…a little weird. It was a cute moment in the beginning, but then send her home! She’s killing everyone’s buzz! Gramma Gotta Go. GGG. Loved her “confession” moment in the limo. She even cried! That’s a first, ABC!
• Nicki – ummmm pretty sure guys hate being called “precious.” Dental hygienist…saw Ben getting a little scared with that revelation! She is divorced, so she knows a little bit more about marriage than some, maybe. Or maybe not.
• Anna – student – “bold move” to walk right past? You’re not that cool. Turns out you will go home later.
• Monica– “I miss my dog more than anything.” We’re betting she doesn’t have a dog.

  

• Other Lindsi – riding a noble steed onto the show. Way to really go for the first impression rose. She’s really pretty. He def thought she was cute. I think horse girls are a little weird….like, we all go through that phase in like fourth grade and go to horse camp and buy weird Lisa Frank binders….Some of us never grow out of it…and it weirds me out. And she got the the first real kiss! Now she’s got a target on her back….but the first impression rose takes you far!!

Five minutes into the show and girls are already ready to eat each other alive. And how much squealing can we anticipate hearing on this show?? I might start wearing ear plugs. ABC sure packed a lot of cringe-worthy moments into those two hours….Cheesy tattoo confession, pushup contests, white scientist girls rapping, blindfolds, soccer games, dance lessons….how long is this first party, seven days?! If I were on this show, I would be sipping water and just wandering from conversation to conversation and saying verrrrry little.

Best Candidate for Crazy – Jenna. She’s a blogger, so you’d think I’d like her…but she has got way too many issues. You shouldn’t be crying to yourself in the bathroom on episode one, or mention tampons on television EVER. She’s this season’s Michelle Money.

Best dress overall – Kacie – cute short sparkly dress. Grandma’s girl Brittney had a nice sparkly dress, too. Best hair– Jennifer – love the ginger tones in a blonde/brunette world.

Previews for upcoming episodes…..!!!!! I don’t know how they manage to get more over the top each season, but they do…Looks like the “model” is gonna get nassssssty! Jenna is looknig to lose her mind and get carried off in an ambulance. Someone faints from the spanx and high heels waiting for the rose ceremony. And just when Ben is ready to propose, looks like someone has some second thoughts! Dun dun dun!!

Stay tuned for my weekly updates of the trashiest trash on television….”The Bachelor.”