"this would be the *perfect* place to fall in love."

Bachelor Ben!! We’re in Park City, Utah, where its so beautiful, and we get a classic “this would be the perfect place to fall in love.” He takes Rachel (great name) on the first one on one. Kacie– I love you, but you need to pull it together for the long haul…we’re only on Episode Four, so it’s a little soon to be talking about “I just want this to be all over and we’re shopping for groceries together” and the pouting into the beautiful view scenes. However, thanks for helping me with my Bingo card though so early on! I knocked off “crying” and “I didn’t think it would be this hard.” Homegirl – you know what you signed up for. Steel yourself.

my bachelor bingo card!

Rachel scores the first helicopter date, and they go to THE most beautiful lake ever…I’m calling it “Make Out Lake.” But you can hear the crickets (fake crickets?) in the background as Rachel does the awkward inside-cheek chew. Anxiety was growing during my commercial break, because I felt she was gonna go home. She was just so shut off, but it he let her stay.

Group Date: Ben did look a whole lot of handsome up on the horse. Kacie was pouting away, everyone else is wading away, and Courtney just sinks her hooks into him. She’s so simpering and manipulative. Gross. I wanted to high five Lindzi for trying to crash that date. But then Courtney caught a freaking FISH, which was super annoying. On twitter, there were many rumors that the producers trained the fish to jump on that hook. Pretty believable.

Samantha. Going Home.

And then at the dinner portion, Samantha asserts that she should have a ring on by now…which…what? Samantha reminded me of a muppet. This one pictured here. I’m not sad she’s gone home….but Ben felt kinda unnecessarily harsh. I’m thinking there were off-camera things that happened that we didn’t know about. Can’t wait til that “After the Rose Ceremony” back story emerges!

Kacie and Ben had a nice little moment where he reassured her of his affection, and then Crazy Courtney played the pouty card. Something is wrong with her face. Like…that I want to yank on her bottom lip. I think the movie “Mean Girls” was written about her.

This is my "Courtney Face"

One on One: I really like Jennifer. My fav Ginger. AND I thought it was a pretty sick date idea. Jumping into a crater? Legit!!! She was a little anticlimactic though, because I would have been SCREAMING coming out of that water on the adrenaline rush. They had a super cute nighttime date…but why do we think rain is so sexy? Mascara streaming down your face isn’t sexy. Wet jeans aren’t sexy. But they had a great date, and finding out that Ben likes country music just made him way hotter to me.

Cocktail Party: Courtney vs. Emily showdown was classic. Courtney is just a snake. Is Ben ever going to figure that out? It pains me to watch her interact with Ben and interact with others.The preview for next week looks straight up vicious. And therefore delicious.

So Monica leaves….but we get our first limo confession!! I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you with Ben. Or…Blakely? That was one of the most awkward first nights in “Bachelor” history. yikes!

Next week we get to go to Puerto Rico! Even though Courtney was “just there two months ago!”

Other highlights from tonight:

  • Blakely “stomping.” Um…about a dozen black teen films just threw up.
  • Courtney – “When I’m around him, I blossom!” Barf.
  • The girls highlighting Emily’s hair in the bathroom. Cuz, what else are you going to do?
  • Ben – “I like kissing Rachel. I think it’s gonna be a slow burn.” Cheeeeeeeseeeey!! But I do like her bangs.
  • Lindzi – “Courtney just caught a fish. What.The.Hell.” Bahahaha.
  • And I just want to remind the general population that even Charlie Sheen is over “winning” so if Courtney could put that away…that would be neat.