Let me open with….Courtney is half-witch. I’m convinced.

My Bingo card for the night!

Announcement – everyone gets a date with Ben! Squeal!! After a cringe-worthy mispronunciation of a Spanish date card, Nicki, the divorcee, is crowned with the first one-on-one. Courtney gives the ominous “you are on my sh** list” threats about Emily, ironically while wearing a “Be Nice” shirt.

One-on-One – Nicki – I like her…didn’t like the dress. Poor thing had tons of rain her on date, and had to run in high heels…which is never as hot or as easy as it looks in the movies. Ben drops his meager Spanish skills on a street cart vendor, and says “it’s raining gatos.” Legit! And when they get to buy new clothes Ben looks hoooooooot. Convenient wedding in the background (with unfortunate shot of unfortunate bridesmaid’s butt as she fluffed out the wedding gown) allowed a neat segue into Nicki’s divorce drama…I just get bugged by girls who claim to want a “fairy tale” wedding and love and marriage. Nothing in this life is a fairy tale…you gotta work hard for what you want, and keep working hard. She’s cute and nice, but I don’t feel like they have a lot of natural chemistry.

um....my heart doth melt.

Group Date – baseball?! are you KIDDING ME?! And Ben is in a Gigantes uniform? Like…the producers must know I’m watching. This is my ideal man and date experience. But most of the girls were in these little booty shorts and all kinds of neon…I automatically distrust girls who work out in underwear spandex. PS – Blakely twisted her baseball shirt into a crop top?! What. The. _______. So unnecessary. She’s never casual. She doesn’t seem like one who ever will hang out with you in sweats and no makeup and just be chill. Everything has to be an event with that one.

One on One – Elyse – has GREAT legs….but spray tan threw up on her. She is too much for me. Too much makeup, too much fake boob, too much hair, too much crying before the date had even started. And who quits her job and misses her best friend’s wedding to “find true love” on a reality show? Direct quote – “Let’s screw everyone else, get married right here, and start our life together.” Um. Girls…that is how we scare boys away. Far, far away. With that, she gets sent home…it’s sad because she’s young, and made some dumb mistakes in this journey…NOTE – don’t ever miss your best friend’s wedding. Lame.

Then Evil Troll Courtney rolls up with a bathrobe, bottle of wine, and an offer either to take a bath, give him a massage, OR go skinny dipping. Ben, Ben, Ben. When will he see the vapid disgrace that she is? She talks in this baby voice, purses her lips at the camera and spits her manipulation. Grrrrrrr…he better figure out her game soon. I was glad he had a slight twinge of conscious afterwards, when he realized that while they let their nakedness frolic in the ocean, nine other girls were

...nothing good happens after this.

tucked away in the hotel room pining after him in a completely clothed way. If I were one of those contestants and found out Ben did that with Courtney, I would pack my bags, head to a bar, and find a new novio to flirt with. That’s just wrong and dirty and unprofessional. I understand competition, but…”I bet he’s never skinny-dipped with a model before, cackle cackle cackle.” Gross. Go home.

Cocktail Party – Emily dug her own grave when she pulled a “I’m not gonna bring Courtney up again…but here I want to talk about it some more.” Watching Ben’s reactions while the girls talk on and on about their feelings…you can almost see his thought bubble saying “wow…I have totally tuned out of this convo and am thinking about getting naked in the ocean with Courtney a few hours from now.” NOTE to girls – guys can only hear and/or process like 30% of what you want them to…so let your words be few at the beginning. Don’t mention marriage/babies/meeting your parents/anything really serious/emotional until you are positive he really likes you.

In the twist of the night, Ben sends home my Ging! My sweet Ginger Jennifer – “I want to be loved and I want to love someone back.” That was a terrible, genuine, heart-wrenching limo confession, but at least she kept her composure in saying goodbye to him.

The previews of upcoming episodes look like “the most ______________ moments on “the Bachelor” EVER!” Can’t. Wait.

Quote of the Night: “Who knew that strippers could play baseball?” – Courtney about Blakley.