Yeah baby! Let the crazy begin!
Yeah baby! Let the crazy begin!!

It’s baaaack! Ah, Sean. The born again Christian whose Southern charm and shirtless ways make me want to stumble in sin.

He’s from Emily’s season, and we never forgot that sweet smile, polite manners, and “I just want to start a family” mentality. (note to boys – this makes women swoon) Now he’s back with 25 (plus a “surprise”) women vying for his attention. And I’m here to deliver the kind of snap judgments I can’t normally do in good conscience to normal people I meet on the street.

To begin – I prefer the seasons with Bachelors vs. Bachelorettes. I love watching 25 hot guys, but I get bored with suits. Show me dresses, hair extensions, shoes that make you slip when you try to do a backflip on your limo entrance! I want your cheesy earrings and terrible bronzer application and cat fights all up in my face.

this girl!
this girl!

Roommates, sister and I gathered with the requisite wine and chocolate and I began placing bets on how long until someone cried or got into a cat fight. We were not disappointed.

Ben who?
Ben who?

First – Sean gives us lots of hopeful glances (sans shirt, of course) into the sunset while he monologues about honor, protecting his woman, being her rock, and the C word – commitment. He’s really got his relationship buzz words down.

Then Arie comes to give him some kissing advice….??? It was kind of weird that Arie had it down to a creepy science, but looking back, he really was a memorable kisser. And yes, we do want your hand in our hair.

We get introduced the cast of characters – token single mom, token models, token cat-lady. It seems ABC heard the outcry over the total whitewashed crowd and called in some African-American hotties. Still a startling lack of Latina or Asian presence, though. There was the professional organizer who faces her past as a foster kid, the one-armed girl, the DC political consultant who dressed more like an escort in Vegas, AND Kacie B!!!! Love that my girl is back; sappy, sweet, cross-eyed Kacie.

Favorite moments:

  • we only waited 1 hour and 34 minutes for the first tears!
  • “I wish I were more sober right now” – the drunken substitute teacher who wore a wedding gown and caused Sean to hint at a rape whistle…thanks for repping the education profession so….terribly.
  • “Let’s get our awkward moment over with” girl – who also sported a whole lot of mouth, I think as a fitness model? So many white teeth.
  • Bachelor’s first barefoot limo introduction from the hippie yoga instructor from…North Carolina? strange.
  • The booty dancing by tipsy “50 Shades” obsessed hair-styler. eek.
  • Tierra, aka the lovechild of Michelle Money and Courtney Robertson. She’s the token “I’m not here to make friends! I’m here for Sean and to find true love!” girl. Just play that on repeat whenever she talks. It didn’t help that she received a rose just for walking out of the limo. Sean might as well have painted a target on her back. Her uber pointy eyebrows at everyone also do not help.
again...ben who!?
again…ben who!?

So it’s all very exciting. Next week I’ll have the terms up for your Bachelor Bingo cards by Monday afternoon, so all you East-Coasters can play, too! Until then, just imagine the results of the next “most exciting rose ceremony yet.”