i…i kind of miss you.

Okay, I’ve given up on this season. I give up at some point every season, but this year, I more give up. The Bach has been on for…20 seasons? We’re just shamelessly recycling plot lines. How many times have we encountered fears of heights? Or made out in waterfalls, which is actually a good way to drown and never as sexy as it looks on tv?

Instead of recapping, I thought I would tell you about my season.

just being the most interesting me.
just being the most interesting me.

Yeah. This chubby brunette sassbox thinks she deserves her own season. It’s time the producers have someone who looks and acts like the typical American woman:

Someone who wears yoga pants everyday with a sweatshirt that doubles as a napkin, or kleenex, depending on if I’m only eating my emotions, or leaking them out my eyes, too. Someone who is less interested in wearing jewelry into the hot tub on the first date, and more interested in how many jokes you know or what books you’re reading. Someone who knows the power of being average.

That someone is me. Here’s how it will work:

First – Limo introduction night. This will be the best I look all season, so drink it up. After this, it’s back to my uniform of black dress/brown boots/scarf….or workout clothes that stand a very tiny chance of an actual workout. Each man comes out of the limo and has to give me a tiny momento of some sort, but nothing cheesy. Could represent their occupation, hometown, hobby, whatever. Something thoughtful. For example, I would give a mix cd, because making bombass mix tapes has been my spiritual gift since I got my first boom box.

60% of the time, this works on me every time.
60% of the time, this works on me every time.

Automatically dismiss any guy who orders white wine or something ending in “-tini” as his drink for the first cocktail party night. Automatically dismiss anyone without a real job (dog lover? DOG LOVER?!)  Automatically dismiss any guy who leaves the limo in something other than a traditional suit,

unless it’s this:

AND instead of wandering around the mansion for hours faking small talk, I would do icebreakers. I’ve been a camp counselor for my whole life. And Leadership 101 is you break da ice. I want to see how they interact not only with me, but with each other. It’s important to know that my future man-piece can get along with his peers.

DATES: This has always bothered me about the show – the “star” picks the dates. Don’t you want to know what your potential mate will plan for your dates?! I propose that every other week, the people that are picked for one-on-ones get to/have to plan the date. And when it gets down to a manageable bunch, like 7, they all have to plan one-on-one dates for me. It says a lot about a person and your compatibility.

"i was so scared to be in this totally scary situation! but then we made out and i was still scared! but now also aroused?! GET ME OFF THIS!"
“i was so scared to be in this totally scary situation! but then we made out and i was still scared! but now also aroused?! GET ME OFF THIS!”

Dates I would plan = things I like to do. Hiking, the beach, game nights, dive bars, road trips, karaoke, etc. At one point, the remaining contestants should have to cook a meal for me. I love a man that can cook a few things. And no facing any fears just so we can try to make metaphors about how jumping off a building is like falling in love. FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS.

For a group date, I would have my potentials hang out with kids at a camp for a few days. I want to have a wee brood of my own children, so it’s important you can hold your own against small peoples. I want skits, roasting marshmallows, telling scary stories, and to see how you react when someone pees their sleeping bag.

Cocktail Parties: These would have themes, like “Margarita Monday” with mariachi bands, pin the tail on the burro, tortilla making lessons, guacamole contests, and maybe we all play bingo. Anytime someone cries in the bathroom, they’re automatically sent home. Maybe we also have talent shows, or play charades.

We would definitely have talent shows.

CAN YOU HANDLE GRANDMA GREAT?! just keep the Coronas coming.
CAN YOU HANDLE GRANDMA GREAT?! Hint: just keep the Coronas coming.

Meet the Family: This would happen waaaaay sooner than it does on the show. Nothing is more important than family, and I have a big one. It be important AND entertaining to see how my future husbands react when placed in a room with the motley crew I’m related to. I’d give my sisters, grandmas, cousins and aunts a few glasses of wine and then throw the men into the room. Whoever doesn’t run away within twenty minutes is in the clear. I’d also leave him with my 98 year old Grandma Great, whose memory is worse than a goldfish, and see how long he can handle it.

GUYS: There is something really sexy about a man who will pay attention to your girl’s family. Who is polite, asks if they can help, brings mom flowers, etc.

Then I’d make them hang out with the men in our family. Go golf with my dad and uncles for a day. Have a BBQ competition. Their opinion is only slightly less important, if only because they stubbornly would never think anyone deserves their collective daughter.

are you even cool enough for my brothers i just don't know.
are you even cool enough for my brothers i just don’t know.

Then I’d have them hang out with my brothers and cousins. All male, they are mostly impressed with any video game skills you might have. They may be tiny, but their opinion is important, and another good indicator of you with kids.

Meet the Friends: One night, I wouldn’t show up. I’d send my bests in to the party, and hottie mcChris Harrison and I would hang out in the control room. Each friend hands out a rose, and if you don’t get a rose, go home, bro. My bests are an extension, often a more realistic and honest extension of myself. And I need them to like you, and you to like them.

my tinkly backyard. we date here.
my tinkly backyard. we date here.

Locations: Until the last few episodes, we go nowhere cool. I want to see their apartments. But this would be a surprise, so they couldn’t prepare. Are you a hoarder? Do you collect jedi figurines? What’s in your movie collection? Do you have a pet bird (creatures from satan!)? Is there any food in your fridge? Do you have toilet paper?

We’d hang out in my backyard, at my parents house, take walks around the block, hit up the farmers market. NO surprise concerts, no dinners in the mouth of an active volcano, no dates so involved we don’t ever actually talk to each other.

So there’s my start…what else do you think I should add to my season??