yikes.
yikes.

Think of the past seasons of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.” There have been memorable characters – who can forget super villain Michelle Money or Courtney “I got the Rose” Robertson. Makeout-in-the-mud trash twosome Jake and Vienna (filed under “things I wish I could unsee”). Juan Pab-NO and opera singing tongue kissers (also to file). Beautiful, too good for this world cinnamon roll Ames. Single mom Barbie-with-tragic-past Emily. BENTLEY. BENTLEY.

despite watching the show for 13 years, just never thought it would be this hard. so weird.
despite watching the show for 13 years, just never thought it would be this hard. so weird.

We’ve seen the virgins and the pass-out drunks. We’ve witnessed twerking and heard tragic backstories (but honestly? I’m never quite convinced your relative’s dying wish was for youse to find love on national television while making out in a hot tub wearing rhinestone jewelry. That is a very specific last wish.) We’ve learned that “former NBA dancer,” “dog lover,” and “manscaper” are occupations. We’ve heard over and over that we “never thought it would be this haaaaard.”

I got to thinking about what we haven’t seen, what we do need on this show. You know what it is? It’s me. I’ve considered applying for the main role. But I also more enjoy eating and can’t wear a dress without a bra. I also don’t like things that are difficult or making choices or roses. So. I have something different in mind.

Introducing my application. For “Sidekick.” Consider your favorite Disney movies. Do you quote the main character or the sidekick more? Who gets all the funny lines? Who provides the plucky comic relief? Think of “The Lion King.” First quote that comes to mind – ten bucks it’s from Timon, Pumbaa, Scar or his cronies.

see? even to this goat I am the sidekick.
see? even to this goat I am the sidekick.

Producers of “The Bachelor” – I want to be your Pumbaa. Let me.

Let me be your Pumbaa.

My qualifications:

  • I am very comfortable being the sidekick. I wouldn’t know what to do if I was the pretty girl in the room – I make a better wingwoman. My interests include getting my bra off and into sweatpants as soon as possible, and only using one mug for all the coffee/tea/water/wine I drink all week so I don’t have to wash dishes. I will make your main girl shine.
  • Mad language skills. Not just curvy body language. I once backpacked through Central America for five months with two downright gorgeous girls and basically operated as a translator for all the dudes trying to hit on them. My Spanish was flaaaawless at the end of that trip. I can also communicate in intermediate Portuguese and basic Latin. Should a Roman gladiator audition. We’ve seen pantsapreneurs. You gotta be prepared for the unexpected. Also fluent in sarcasm.
  • why is no one date this?
    why is no one date this?

    I am chronically single and therefore an expert on cheering people up about relationship highs and lows. I have a Pinterest account chockfull of motivational quotes and metaphors re: “journeys” and “experiences.” I dabbled in poetry when I was in the fifth grade and am ready to liken love to just about any sort of wacky date idea you might have.

  • me out in nature. where i will hike you lost.
    me out in nature. where i will hike you lost.

    Speaking of date ideas, let me plan those. I’ve been in a helicopter. I’ve walked on volcanos. I’m an amateur sommelier, mostly specializing in the Trader Joe varietals. I’m SCUBA certified, so I can arrange to scare the heck out of someone underwater when you inevitably make them face their fear of seahorses on national television.

  • I’m a teacher, so I can herd cats aka control a rowdy group date. I’ve seen a lot of episodes of “The Office,” so I can roll my eyes at the camera just like Jim for comedic reflief. And I’m also an expert at leading people on hikes into nowhere and getting lost without water or a map. And what brings out the best and worst in us all? Exactly that.
  • I know your main girl has to be all tan and on point with her looks and figure, so I will send pre-emptive “don’t eat that” texts to her and not let her binge eat her emotions from how hard this all is.
  • I will casually replace her wine glass with my glass of sparkling water so she doesn’t get drunk and embarrass herself. Don’t worry about me I’ll be fine I love sauv blanc.
  • Everyone loves seeing someone get caught sticking their foot in their mouth. Let me set up that situation for you. Let me ask the guys questions, unearth the doubts and secrets. I know and love sports, and I have little brothers and boys cousins so I can head over to the guys house. watch the game, eat the nachos, laugh at the farts, and infiltrate. I can sidle on up. drink beer, throw things off buildings and eat wings with the best of them. LET ME.
  • this was obviously very early in my career, but there is no denying the spark in the girl on the left, ay?
    this was obviously very early in my career, but there is no denying the spark in the girl on the left, ay?

    I’m already an expert flower girl, junior bridesmaid, OR maid of honor slash wedding singer. So when it’s time for the season finale, you know I am ready for the special filming afterwards.

  • And, okay, I admit I have selfish reasons for this, too. Honestly – I think petite silver fox Chris Harrison and I might be soulmates. So, whaddya say – give me a chance?
it's just like when the girl throws the rose petals, except more sidekick-ish.
it’s just like when the girl throws the rose petals, except more sidekick-ish.