I’m 26? really? 26?!@ what the what. i never thought I would be this old. That is true. I mean, when you’re growing up, you think about turning 13, 16, 18, 21, and than all the fantasies stop there, because nothing epic happens after 21. No kid ever dreams “When I’m 32…I’m going to…” That’s why they named the extremely cheap and sucessful teenage girls clothing brand “Forever 21.” Because after that….me and everyone else lost all interest in getting older.

oh well. interest in the fact doesn’t matter. i continue to age. I have actual grey hairs on my head growing on my head in my scalp, coming up as the color grey because they are wise old grey hairs brought on by aging and stress from the job with the children. and they make me lose my breath in the mornings when i find a new one. but i know i can’t fight growing older. I try to remember I’m getting older by occasionally reading something “important,” or attempting Suduko to prevent Alzheimers, but mostly I’m denying it at all costs.

Last year on my 25th birthday, a number that seems to be really awful, I felt the need to reclaim my youth by pretending to be a large child and making my mom throw me a party with a bounce house and lots of orange soda.

This year, at 26, i feel like I can really reach forward and touch 30. It’s like right there. And the thought of getting married and having babies and living something that looks “settled” and official feels like it should be right THERE. but it’s so not. am I disappointed? Are other disappointed in me? Am i doing this life thing wrong? I can’t tell. I can’t even tell if I care. But my mom calls my pet fish her “grandfishie.”
And so i spent most of the night before my 26th birthday eating obscene amounts of guacamole and crying over my aging complex while watching “gLee” and dreaming about my future life as a TV star.

yeah….i submitted an audition for ‘gLee’ on myspace…and honestly this crazy dream I’ve always had since i was like nine of being on Saturday Night Live or in movies or something has really caught a hold of me. For whatever reason, as far-fetched as it is, I really want this to come true. I think a lot of it is my sweet students who are convinced that Miss Weight will be famous and be their ticket to Hollywood. They ask me everyday if I’ve signed a contract, if I will stop teaching to be on TV, if they can be my manager or part of my entourage. One of my cutest asked if we could be pen pals when I leave him for the glamour of Los Angeles. It’s all very silly but very fun. At least, if anything, if it’s everything that comes from this, I can say I tried something and forced myself to take a chance and be very brave for a minute. Which is kinda like growing up a bit. I guess. blah.

in things that are lovely… i went to chicago this last week to visit traci and ry met up and we celebrated our birthdays and life and friendship together. there is nothing like being with your best girlfriends to remember how to laugh…the girls you can swap clothes with and share bathrooms with and “‘remember that one New Years when…” stories with and share glasses of wine and plates of quesadillas at three in the morning. and be the people to remind each other what the best things about us are, and fall in love with each other all over again, and remember that all my complaints and worries are silly, because together life is truly, truly good.