Sunglasses Always Fit

Whoa whoa whoa…ABC has thrown the rule book OUT this season. Its episode two, and we’re already in Ben’s adorable hometown, Sonoma. I’ve spent time in wine country up there…let me tell you…that many girls with enough wine…this can only end in tears. That is math.

Love that my girl Kacie got the first one-on-one. She is super cute. Maybe too cute. The “stir the pot” move with the baton twirling was the female equivalent of a guy teaching a girl how to golf…the close physical contact, the innuendos. Didn’t wear anything too sexy, wasn’t too revealing, was light and care-free. I see her going a long way. But then….the video montage of Kacie and Ben’s childhood? Kinda weird! Too much, too soon. As in, I shouldn’t already be crying on the second episode.

Group Date: Ben with his “lotsa pairs of legs” on one of the weirdest group dates ever.….there should be no children on “The Bachelor” ever. They shouldn’t know that grownups watch this drivel. Nor should they ever ask anyone to “jog in slow motion.” What sick producer planted that? And why are adult women still wearing cut-off jean shorts with pockets showing?? Nicki had the presence of mind to turn the request for “a sexy dance” into the Sprinkler. Blakely looked ridiculous in her “these are my ta-tas” jumper. You’re 34 years old. 34!!! Act your age, not your shoe size, baby. Wear clothes. The play clearly wasn’t actually written by children, and all the girls looked ridiculous…but Ben dropping the sheep costume to reveal his cotton ball boxers? Someone’s been working out in the off-season! OMB.

They rounded it out with a wine party, where they belong. Pool placed conveniently in the background, and drama in the foreground. Blakely is on nerves….I think she said the word “rose” so many times I forgot what the word meant. She’s aggressive and manipulative. I don’t think guys really go for that, I hope not, but Ben gave her the rose! Gahhh. I continue to love ginger Jennifer. Winner of first hot tub make out. Ben does some very audible kissing though…kinda awkward.

Courtney’s One-on-One: He brings the dog, which means there will always be some conversation and cute factor. She is a constant reel of come-ons and flirt. It’s obnoxious. She’s definitely fooling Ben…we’ll see how long that lasts. She’s just kinda…simpering. I’d rather go on a date with Scotch. As in the dog.

Cocktail Party: Loved Lindzi’s coral dress. But she seems to be trying too hard with the “I’m from the farm, I don’t normally wear so much makeup, giggle giggle.” And Jenna is a nut job. First episode – crying in bathroom. Second episode – crying in bedroom. She needs some help that might not be available on the show. I really liked Jaclyn’s sparkly green dress, and Kacie’s outfit, too. And then Blakely hides in a corner and tries the crying trick. Here’s a hint: Guys shouldn’t have to see you cry and hide until you’re like months and months into a relationship. BUT I will say that the clock read “2:04am” when Ben pulled Jenna crying out of bed…so clearly these girls are up late, drinking too much, and its all bringing out the worst in women.

They finally have the rose ceremony, and I swear there was a blonde girl in there I’d never seen before!! Where do they hide them?! But all my favs got to stay….I’m still holding on to Kacie B, Rachel, Jennifer, Lindzi, and Emily in the end. Jenna gave a predictably nutty goodbye. I’ll kinda miss her.

Classic Quotes

• “I’m doing this because it worked for me before.” – Ben. Um…which part worked?
• “I think the horse got the first impression rose.” “It’d be a shot in the arm I could use right now.” “Winning!” “How’d that taste coming out of your mouth?” – Crazy Courtney. Oh I can already tell you’re gonna win my one-liners of the week with your special brand of psycho.
• “I’m just blessed in some places…cheers to being blessed.” – Blakely, in reference to her own boobs.
• Jenna putting the blanket on the candle….and then “I feel like I’m a guy…I’m not like a girl…” huh?!

Final thoughts…next week in the City looks like a fun one, but who is the surprise guest that throws the girls for such a loop? With Jenna gone, we’ll have to look to Blakely and Courtney to keep the crazy rolling…I’m sure they’re up to the task.

Check out my “How to throw a Bachelor Party” blog here

My review of Episode One here.