who will you choose, oh unwise one??

We’s in Belize, yo!! Love the Central American theme to this season’s Bachelor. Lindzi aka “horse girl” on the date….I do like her, but she needs a new hair cut, less foundation, and to clear her throat. Jumping out of a helicopter was freaking sweet.  I don’t think I’d be super scared about it, but I would be thinking about the huge aqua enema I was about to receive, and making sure my top did completely fall off. Of course, if I were Courtney, I’d be topless to begin with.

Emily  gets the next one-on-one...and I’m enjoying Courtney’s devastation and fake crying. She’s soooo upset that Emily “said nasty things to me” but Ben still took her on the date. I know this is sooo weird for you Courtney, but turns out the show isn’t called “Courtney” and it’s just not all about you. And now she’s crying into the camera, feeling all bad for herself. Muahahahahhaa…..it’s like, homegirl, ain’t no one feeling sorry for you!

I loved Emily’s cute little dress, with POCKETS! Biking around the island and then diving for their own lobster? Who knew those suckers were so hard to nail down??? They had a nice “native people drumming in the background while we dance and make out” date, and then dinner. But I reeeeally hate seeing tongue when people kiss. Like, chunks of vomit come up into my throat.

“I’m secretly evil!”

Courtney gets the next one-on-one…..blah. I did NOT approve of the picnic on a Mayan temple. That’s a sacred place where human sacrifices were made. Not a great place to be in Daisy Dukes, swigging chardonnay. Then Courtney unloads her emotions on him and says “I’m not feeling a spark and I’m having doubts and I might not accept a rose from you etc. etc.” And he just falls right into her trap and tells her he likes how “weird” she is. “Weird” in this sentence should be read as “heinous and manipulative psycho who likes to employ all femininely wiles including lip injections, side-boob, and duck face.”

During her speech to Ben, she delivers a red flag. RED FLAG – any girl that says they only have “good” friends and they’re mostly “guy friends” is not a girl you want to date. And a girl who gets really defensive about that when you question it? Even more trouble. Ben made some good points in his camera monologue…it would be really hard to be married to someone that no one else liked. I’ve seen those relationships.

it started out so great…

Group Date: Rachel, Nicki, and Kacie B….Ben wakes em up all early. I thought that was funny and a good thing because you want to know how high maintenance someone is. Of course, if someone woke me up at the crack of dawn, I’d be blind as a bat, confused about where I was, my mouth guard in, waving frantically at my night stand for glasses and a breath mint, praying I’d put pants on.

Rachel – shark week is not her fav week on television, that’s for sure, but she did work it to get some one-on-one action with Ben. Each girl took a turn convincing him about what she felt and that he needed to come home with her, but our darling Kacie B, who gets more fun with a few drinks in her and some sassy remarks to the camera about Courtney, ends up with the rose.

Cocktail Party – they all look so tan….makes me long for sunshine. Ben went right to rose ceremony. That was so Ashley of him. I think it’s a favor to everyone…why wait it out and torture us all. And he steals Courtney away for a second (it’s always “stealing away for a second) and we’re all SO hopeful that he’s giving her the smack down she deserves. But then….Courtney gets a rose?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. times a billion. And she has the nerve to prance up to receive it, use “baby voice” and then prance back to her spot.

Honestly, not too shocked about Rachel and Emily finally leaving, but I am shocked Nicki and Lindzi are still around. They bug me. They seem too….nice. Boring. Vanilla. With a side of vanilla sauce. But on the side. And if it’s from a can, forget it.

What’s funny is that I barely notice Ben on the show anymore. Except that whenever he seems to feel uncomfortable about what a girl is saying or doesn’t know how to deal with her emotions, he leans in to shut her up with a kiss. Classic.

Well, on the upside, we get to meet the mess behind the semi-hot mess that is Courtney Robertson. These people have to be cringing as they watch her prance and purse her way through each episode. I can’t wait until the After the Rose Ceremony!! Muahaha.

Quote of the Week: Emily re: Courtney –  “My condolences for whatever man ends up with you.”