Blue-dot-0110. GPS – I have a love/hate relationship with GPS. I remember fondly the days of getting the swim team roster and pulling out the Thomas Brothers mapbook, looking up the addresses of all the cute boys. I miss feeling my fingers slide from row to column and discovering “aha! Jake lives RIGHT BY that Safeway! We sometimes go there! That must become our go-to Safeway!” Or hand-writing out directions, turn by turn. GPS  has taken so much of the mystery out of travel. BUT I freaking love watching that blue dot crawl along the highway on my map app. And that estimated travel time? I look at that as a CHALLENGE.

periodic-table-of-texting9. Texting – I truly believe this is rendering our future generations into illiterate mindless drones unable to communicate in any form, least of all, face to face.

“wat r u up 2 bro”      “nuthin wbu”     “idk. kk ttyl.”

My generation used pager code to communicate by number, but it was nothing to the extent that teenagers today are texting. Not only are they all going to be afflicted with texting thumb arthritis, and stiff neck from looking down at their crotch while trying to hide their texting in class, but we have forgotten how to spell, we remove pronouns, we abbrev the hell out of everything. Cray.

8. Netflix – This makes watching entire seasons of television in one sitting entirely too easy! I just got into Downton Abbey, and I thought I’d watch “just one.” SIX HOURS LATER…!!! Netflix has ruined the renting a movie experience. It has eliminated our patience span. It keeps me home on Friday nights and off the streets, though, so….I guess there’s something good in that.

7. Yelp –  We used to look for a good sign, check out a menu, or heck, just walk into a restaurant and have a bad to awesome experience, untainted by the opinions of others. Now I check everything I do, from buying flowers to dry cleaning to the gym to the coffee spot, on Yelp before I make a decision. I do try new things because I see them on Yelp, but it has taken the adventure and spice out of stumbling upon a hole in the wall and discovering something new.

i totes drew this.

6. Games – I can’t tell you how many times my family members and I have sat around with our iphones or ipads out, yelling at each other to take our next turn in “draw something,” “words with friends” or “hanging with friends.” At some point, one smart ass among the many smart asses present will say “you know, we could get out Scrabble or Pictionary and like, all play together.” But we never do. Soul. Suck.

5. Twitter – It’s like being facebook-status-update-friends with famous people! I can spend hours scrolling the rabbit trail; checking out Kevin Bacon‘s photos, then a HuffPo divorce article, then reading 30rock quotes. It really is the internet on adhd. But I like feeling as if I know what Anderson Cooper and Rihanna are doing at any given moment.

Many future moms will have to answer "why are you making a duck face, mommy?"
Many future moms will have to answer “why are you making a duck face, mommy?”

4. Instagram – Years from now, my kids will ask why I was always so fuzzy and at an angle and only an arm’s length away from the camera during my mid-late twenties. And how did I always look so tan?! :) We edit the heck out of ourselves and our lives when we Instagram. If you look at my pics, it looks like all I do is travel, look at the sky, drink wine, hang out with all my best friends, and make crafts. Just don’t mind the weeks and weeks in between each posting. Pics of all my grading and reading aren’t quite interesting enough to post. I post highlights.

pinterest card3. Pinterest – Makes me feel fat and uncreative and uncultured and untraveled and like I just eat boring food and lead a boring life with no kids or puppies or weddings anywhere in sight. SIX HOURS LATER…!!! Still on it.


hold me.
hold me.

2. Youtube – Now every video is America’s Funniest Home Video! Why watch one clip of a duck swimming in a sink, when you can watch ten!  We even have tv show segments, nay, an entire show, dedicated to Youtubes (Thanks for hours of laughs, Tosh 2.0). Search for any makeup, hair, clothing, political, religious, celebrity, intellectual, bonehead thing you’ve ever thought of, and you can find hundreds and thousands of clips about it. I can’t really complain about youtube though…so many videos of puppies!!!

stalking on internet1. FacebookYour yearbook, phonebook, engagement/wedding/baby announcement, photo album, resume. It’s where we post political opinions, edited photos, newslinks, cries for help. We celebrate our accomplishments, we lament our failures. We can’t seem to filter our thoughts at all. It’s hands down the most entertaining yet terrifying thing that has happened to the planet since television. I’ve lost friends, removed “friends,” gotten in touch with faraway friends more times than I can count, due to facebook. We watch each other grow up and away and never even have to hang out. How…great? :/

I love the internet. I can’t remember or imagine living in a world completely without it. And yet…

It’s time to go read a book. a REAL book, with pages to turn and smell and waterlog in the bath. Its time to go outside, to hang out in person, to take a wrong turn, to use a disposable camera…gosh, even just to keep our thoughts to ourselves.

unless they are awesome. in that case, STATUS UPDATE!