Sunglasses Always Fit

Are you guys excited to meet Andi Assistant District Attorney from Atlanta but want to skip tonight’s really boring intro episode and let me do all the research for you? You’ve come to the right place.

Although I couldn’t make it through last season (turns out I also have a limit on the number of “ess okay’s” I can hear in an hour), I did like Andi pretty much from the get-go. When she wised up and dumped Juan Pooplo, she seemed a sure bet for the Bachelorette.

I’m okay with her being the star of the show this time. Come to think of it – maybe that was her strategy all along! BRILLIANT! Play your way into the top three, dump el Bachelor, get a personal trainer and a tan and get your own season! Why didn’t I think of that…hmm…next time I apply.

I’ve blogged about several seasons of this beloved terrible staged reality entertaining in a sick way show, and am sometimes bored with the seasons that feature an all-male cast. I miss the sparkly dresses, the hair porn, the trashy makeup, the cat fights, the jewelry in hot tubs. Whenever its all guys, they get all bromancey and hang out and become friends. They get sad when one of their mates leaves (unless it’s Wes or Bentley). In a word, boring. I need a Michelle Money or a Courtney Robertson (I got the rooooose!). If I’m watching this as a guilty pleasure, I need a villain to entertain me.

However, I do see some promise among the bios and cast photos of this round of most eligible bachelors in America. Here are the highlights:

Marquel, one of maybe three non-white guys on the show (really, ABC? On my season I want so much different) is really difficult to stop looking at…He also has a Masters degree, loves Jesus, and describes a typical Saturday night as Netflix, cookies, and wine. MARQUEL. ARE YOU READING MY DIARY?!

There’s Bradley, a recently divorced opera singer who dreams of getting his pilot’s license and building an open-denomination church. Has kids. BOOM there’s your single dad.

Brian is a hunky basketball coach who lied said his favorite movie is “The Notebook,” but is smart enough to say he would bring sunscreen to a desert island, along with his Bible. Good guy.

Brett is a too-good-looking-to-be-straight hairstylist with one of those faux mullets I want to tug on. Lovely facial hair and smile. I spent about five minutes on his bio page aaaand….can’t remember anything I read except he’s so pretty I don’t think I read anything.

Chris is a farmer and says his biggest first date fear is “accidental diarrhea,” so we have that in common. But he likes his girls slender, so. If that’s your first priority in a female companion, I think you’re kind of a shallow jerk face. Feel free to prove me wrong.

There’s JJ, who calls himself a “pantsapreneur,” which I’m guessing is a guy who makes pants. He has some interesting answers to questions and seems like he’d be a good conversationalist.

Steven is effortlessly good looking snowboard product developer from California, obviously, who likes to surf and look gorgeous. When asked what he wouldn’t do for love, a la Meatloaf, he replied “I won’t switch my cell phone carrier because I am grandfathered in with unlimited data.” And I dig that.

There are some other guys, lots with an impressive amount of facial hair.

Tonight, we can expect cheesy pickup lines, groan-worthy stunts out of the limo, and 25 different versions of the same suit. I don’t have enough information about our cast to make a bingo word list yet, but will try to recap episodes and post games as I can this summer.

Raise your champagne glasses, smell your roses and cheers, everyone, to Andi, to 25 guys searching for “true love” on reality tv, and to what promises to be “the most dramatic season of the Bachelorette, EVER!”

PS Chris Harrison, I missed you, you sexy petite fox.

(all photos shamelessly grabbed from abc.com)